Friday, November 07, 2003
“Fear of Judgment”
“Raising Children with Freedom of Their Expression”
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Laura (Belagia).
Elias arrives at 12:29 PM. (Arrival time is 21 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good afternoon.
LAURA: Good afternoon!
ELIAS: (Chuckles) And how shall we proceed?
LAURA: I guess we’ll just jump right in.
ELIAS: Very well.
LAURA: Actually, to backtrack a tiny bit, I did want to check one possible other focus. Was I a member of the Donner Party? (Pause)
ELIAS: Observing essence, yes.
LAURA: Of one of the Donner children?
LAURA: The girl, Leanna?
LAURA: Lately I seem to be tuning into observing essences rather than actual focuses, which is interesting.
The topic I’m most observing in my own life right now would be freedom of expression. I think this is a core issue for me. Certain things I’ve noticed are ways of being in my life, that I feel that I’ve been more Sumafi essence, Sumari focus. I felt for a long time I’ve been much more true to the Sumafi essence aspect of self and almost ignoring the Sumari aspect of my focus.
When I was a child, I was prolifically creative and artistic. At about the age of nine, I created a very harsh home life for myself in many ways, and at that point I suppressed my creative expression and even my freedom of expression in relationships. Something shifted inside me where I began to create that I’m not able to express myself the way I am, and then I spent a good deal of my adult life trying to regain that freedom I felt I allowed myself as a child. I’m still aware of fears about that, and I’d like to discuss that today.
ELIAS: Very well. And what do you assess are your fears?
LAURA: Fears of being judged – that seems to be a big one. No matter how often I hear that I create my own reality or have direct experiences of knowing that, that fear is almost a constant, unless I am just really deeply focused within. As I go about my daily life, I don’t necessarily notice it, but I’m aware of it in the background, that it’s always there.
ELIAS: Therefore, what you are experiencing now is not necessarily an expression of that fear being actualized continuously within your daily life, as you express, but a constant underlying anticipation.
LAURA: Yes, exactly the way you’ve put it.
ELIAS: My suggestion is that you focus your attention more upon what you are actually creating and what you are actually doing and what you are actually expressing, which is not creating that manifestation of the anticipation.
Now; also recognize that the fear is not associated with the now. It is associated with an anticipation of what might occur futurely and an association with what has occurred pastly, but not acknowledging yourself in what you are actually creating now [and] continuing to fluctuate between the past and the future. Therefore, there is a lack of appreciation of what you are actually generating now, which is significant.
Also, recognize that in order to be expressing your freedom, you also must generate an openness in receiving. To generate an openness in receiving, there is almost a prerequisite to that expression of expressing a vulnerability or exposure. As you allow yourself to expose yourself as you are, you also generate an openness to receiving. You cannot receive if you are not exposing, for if you are not expressing that vulnerability, you block and you do not allow reception. Reception is important, for it is your allowance to receive from other individuals and to allow yourself an openness to yourself. In this, that generates the freedom for you to be expressing yourself more fully and generating that expression of freedom.
Now; the hesitation occurs in association with the fear. But if you are reminding yourself that this fear is being generated in association with past and future and is not actually being expressed now, although you may feel that in the now, it is not associated with the now. It is not associated with what you are generating in the moment or what you are experiencing in the moment.
Now; if you do generate an experience in the moment in which you are confronting yourself with that fear in the moment and there is an expression of interaction between yourself and another individual that confirms that fear – therefore, is being actualized of another individual expressing a judgment in relation to you and your expression or your behavior – you may stop in that moment and recognize that borne of your concentration upon this anticipation, you have drawn an individual to yourself to reflect what you are creating within yourself.
Now; in that moment, you may recognize that that is not necessary. You have created that to validate your fear. But you also incorporate the ability to reconfigure that energy in that moment and acknowledge yourself, and in doing so, THAT reconfigures the energy of the other individual and therefore alters the scenario and changes the situation. The expression changes.
In recognizing that you may be expressing the creation of that fear in the moment in an actual experience, allow yourself to stop, acknowledge yourself – not discount yourself, which is the automatic response – but to acknowledge yourself in a gentle manner and allow yourself to express any one appreciation, regardless of what it may be, in that moment. It may be an appreciation of the other individual, it may be an appreciation of some element of the situation, it may be an appreciation of yourself in some manner. It matters not. The point is to interrupt the pattern and to interrupt what is being generated. Therefore, regardless of how small or unrelated your appreciation appears to you to be in the moment, allow yourself to acknowledge it and express it.
LAURA: I think this is an important point, because as you were talking about creating those moments, I think they’re really rare. It’s more that I judge myself in those moments. It’s really rare that somebody’s judgmental about my expression anymore. I think it used to be a lot more frequent.
For example, I take flute lessons and I get nervous when I’m performing in front of my teacher. What I hear you saying is that in that moment of nervousness when I start to tighten up, she maybe has expressed appreciation and also suggestions. And that’s why I go, because every time I go, my flute playing improves and it’s more free and joyful. I don’t take what she says as criticism. I used to take lessons from her and I did take it as criticism. I took seven years off when I had my kids, now I’m back, and I don’t take it as criticism, which I think is interesting. I’ve changed my point of view there. At the same time, I still get that nervousness, that old habit of nervousness.
So what I hear you saying is to stop, maybe the instant I feel that nervous energy, and actually express in words some appreciation for what’s happening at that moment.
LAURA: So not just in my own mind and kind of hide and keep it to myself...
LAURA: ...but out there, in that moment?
ELIAS: Yes. Allow yourself to actually express, for that generates several actions. It interrupts the familiar pattern. It interrupts the fear. It allows a release of tension and energy which you are holding, which perpetuates that anxiety. It also generates an acknowledgment of yourself, that you are paying attention to yourself and that you are validating your experience, that you are not discounting yourself that you have begun to generate that experience again but rather you are turning your perception and reconfiguring that energy. Therefore, there are many actions that are occurring simultaneously that serve to reinforce your trust of yourself and your acceptance and therefore your allowance of yourself.
In that moment, you may be expressing to the other individual some acknowledgment of appreciation that in your assessment may be as simple and as insignificant as expressing, “I am appreciating of your hairstyle this day,” which may seem to you in the moment to be quite ridiculous, but it may be what you offer to yourself in that moment. For I am aware that in the moment of the expression of the anxiety, it may be challenging to translate an appreciation of any expression. Therefore, what occurs is that you may begin thinking and thinking and attempting to analyze: “What may I appreciate? Find an appreciation in this moment.”
Merely allow yourself to stop, acknowledge what you are experiencing, relax and allow whatever you present to yourself, regardless of how it appears to you and whether it appears to you to be related to your anxiety or not. If it is an expression of appreciation of any element in your experience and your interaction in that moment, allow yourself to express it, for all of these other actions occur in that one action.
LAURA: That is different. I stand there and I say this is what’s happening in this moment and I feel this feeling, here it is. Of course, the sky’s not going to fall, nothing bad’s going to happen, and yet it’s this old pattern of anxiety. Even standing there acknowledging it, feeling my body, living in the moment with that anxiety, it doesn’t do anything to move me. I just stay perpetually stuck in that anxiety, even if I am hanging out there in that moment. This sounds to me like it’s a different way of approaching that.
ELIAS: Correct. For what you are seeking is a manner in which you may be acknowledging but also incorporating an action to interrupt that pattern. You have already identified the pattern and you have identified the belief, but identifying a belief and merely acknowledging a pattern may not necessarily offer you an action to alter that behavior.
LAURA: I think even putting myself in that flute lesson weekly is an acceptance of that belief. So you’re right – I’ve done all the steps! I’ve identified, I’ve felt it without turning away from it, and I’ve accepted that yes, this is what happens. In fact, I’m going to purposely put myself in that action because I want to truly accept that aspect of self. Yet, in just that weekly experience, it hasn’t shifted.
ELIAS: Correct, which occurs for you are not engaging an actual action to alter the behavior. I am acknowledging of you that you are not attempting to eliminate the belief or its influences, but you are not engaging an action to choose. You are continuing...
LAURA: I’m just accepting and not choosing a new approach.
ELIAS: It is not necessarily a matter of choosing a new approach, although you may identify in this manner if you are so choosing. But it is merely an action of recognizing that you are not stuck, that you are not a victim to this pattern and that you do incorporate choices, and that you may implement another action and therefore change your perception and therefore also change the influence of that belief.
As I have expressed previously, every belief incorporates many, many, many influences. You may choose the influence that you more prefer, and you may reconfigure energy. You may manipulate your energy and you may manipulate the belief in a manner that is more to your preference.
You may be incorporating this belief of other individuals’ perceptions, recognizing that that automatically has generated an influence of you to be fearful, and you may incorporate a playfulness with that same belief, acknowledging that it continues to exist and that it may continue to be expressed. But in interrupting it and in interrupting the automatic response, you may choose to be playful and incorporate that same belief as an inspiration or as a motivation in different expressions that you incorporate, viewing this to be a game rather than a chore.
LAURA: (Laughs) I know I have it in me. I remember being a child and joyfully playing music in front of people.
My husband and I joke that we cloned ourselves. We have a son and a daughter, and we produced or chose ... I guess they chose us, because they’re like us. Zane is so much like my husband and Cyan is so much like me, it’s freaky. I just watch her performing joyfully, and so far they’ve not chosen to become harsh with themselves via parental craziness.
So I’m acknowledging them and their choices, and I think it’s wonderful. But also I think it’s an important choice for me to have them in my life, because they’re so much who they are and so free in their expressions. I get to live with that daily and then see where I ... I want to use the phrase “let myself down.” That’s what really comes up. I really feel that I let myself down in a certain way in this focus.
Now; this may also be an opportunity for you to alter your perception, for you chose to be expressing the personality and the qualities and the talents that you incorporate in this focus, and you also chose to be moving through this focus in a particular manner in relation to family, your family.
Now; in a continuation of that in your focus, you incorporate a reflection of yourself with your daughter but you are participating in a different role. You are now the parent and she is the daughter reflecting you, generating different choices. But you are generating different choices also in the role of the parent, in generating a different direction in how you interact with the small one and what you allow and also what you allow yourself, and therefore the presentment of yourself as an example in more of an expression of allowance and acceptance. Therefore, you have allowed yourself to explore different sides, so to speak, of the same coin.
Rather than perceiving this to be a disappointment of yourself, you have allowed yourself to move in a different direction and to actually widen your awareness and generate a greater expression of your freedom and of yourself, which is reflected in your daughter. Why shall you merely experience an exploration of one element of an experience? But rather, generally speaking, individuals allow themselves to explore different aspects of a direction.
LAURA: That brings me to my next topic. As far as being a parent, it’s challenging in certain ways to me, because of course without any knowledge of “we create our own reality,” then the rules are fairly clear about how to raise children. With the knowledge that we create our own reality and they create their own reality in every moment, I’m not always sure how I want to approach certain situations as far as their freedom of expression goes.
I’ve been exploring different ideas about being a parent. One is coercion versus non-coercion, and the other is education by telling a child, “This is what you need to learn.” The other side of that is the child discovering what he or she wants to learn. I’m somewhere in the middle, and I keep going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I would like to get more clear about what my preferences are.
ELIAS: It is not a matter of black and white or either/or.
Now; understand also that it is a cooperation. You are not co-creating, but you are cooperating. You incorporate your beliefs; they incorporate their beliefs. Do not delude yourself into the misconception that small ones do not incorporate beliefs merely that they have chosen to be born into this shift in consciousness in a different time framework from yourself. Yes, they are expressing differently, and yes, they are more aware of directing themselves, and they are, in a manner of speaking, aware of choices in relation to their beliefs. But it is not a situation in which these small ones are exempt from beliefs.
Remember, as I have stated many times, preferences are preferred beliefs. You may incorporate some preferences and the small ones may incorporate different preferences. This is not to say that yours are wrong or theirs are right or vice versa.
In this, it is a matter of cooperation and allowing yourselves to move together – not in compromise, not in acquiescing – but in cooperation, recognizing that you may not necessarily generate agreement in some directions and that matters not. You may even without agreement generate cooperation. For even without agreement, if you are expressing a genuine acceptance of the differences you may cooperate with each other. Cooperation is lost if difference becomes the issue. If difference becomes the struggle and the challenge, the cooperation is no longer expressed.
As I have stated, it is not a matter of black and white, of the role of the parent or the child being as absolute as it may have been expressed in past time frameworks, for you are all becoming more aware of your beliefs and of their influences and of acceptance and of allowance, and therefore the roles are blurred.
Perhaps allow yourself to engage these small ones in a different type of role. Rather than viewing yourself or projecting yourself as the authority, allow yourself to project yourself in similar manner to what you do with other adults. You do not view them to be an authority to you or yourself to be an authority to them; you share. If you are not in agreement with another adult, you recognize that this is a difference but you allow yourself to evaluate and move into an expression of cooperation, even in the continuance of a lack of agreement.
But in the roles of parent and children, there becomes a struggle of power, each role wishing to express their power in their independence. These are strong words with strong associations. Each role also incorporates belief concerning their role and each other’s role. The children also view you and your partner in their beliefs to be an authority, but that presents a challenge in their natural movement to be directing themselves.
You wish to be allowing with these small ones for they are directing of themselves, but you wish not to be incorporating conflict and struggle with them if they are in disagreement with you. This is the key, to be recognizing that you each incorporate preferences. They ARE directing of themselves, as you are already aware, and agreement is not always necessary, for that generates an automatic response which creates conflict and struggle that there must be agreement to be in cooperation and to generate harmony – not necessarily. You may be expressing harmony and cooperation without agreement and move into other choices – not the black and white, not compromise.
LAURA: There’s this philosophy of parenting called non-coercive parenting, where they spend a lot of time coming up with not compromises but what they call common preferences, and there’s a lot of discussion back and forth about what the common preference would be. The idea is that nobody’s compromising, but together maybe they each give up what they thought they wanted and come up with something even better – better is not the best word – or more preferable and that they prefer more than what they originally thought they preferred. It takes a great deal of work and time and learning about how to do that. There’s a part of me that wants to move into that, and then there’s another part of me that wants to be socially acceptable, I suppose.
There are a lot of roles that I feel I am expected to fulfill as a parent. For example, my daughter chooses to go to school; my son chooses not to. That’s fine – one goes to school and the other doesn’t. My daughter doesn’t want to go to school every day and sometimes she just wants to take the day off, which is completely fine with me. Yet I suspect it would not be understood by the school administration, so I end up kind of making up things so that she can have the day off and then...
ELIAS: Ah. Now; stop.
LAURA: ...that kind of conflict feels uncomfortable to me.
ELIAS: For you are not acknowledging yourself and you are not offering yourself your freedom. You are camouflaging in association with the familiar pattern, the fear of the judgment of other individuals. To avoid the fear of other individuals, you create a camouflage, and therefore you generate an excuse concerning your daughter. This is HER choice. It is your choice to participate and to be in agreement, and it is unnecessary for you to justify.
LAURA: So just call up and say, “Cyan’s not coming to school today”? No explanation?
ELIAS: If that is your choice. It is unnecessary for you to justify.
LAURA: Zane’s in this home-school program with the public school, so he can go and enjoy these workshops that they give, five or six hours a week, and the field trips. Yet once a month I’m supposed to go and say, “Here’s what he did for math and here’s what he did for reading.” I’m at the point where I don’t really want to force him to read if he doesn’t want to read. He knows how to read and he reads when he wants to. I don’t necessarily want to have to have this list of books that would impress a teacher or these pages of workbook sheets that he’s done because I coerced him to do it so we’d have something cool to show the teacher. It’s fine, to me, if he wants to do math by playing Monopoly.
But again, it’s that fear of being judged or I didn’t do the right thing as a parent, and blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. I guess I’m not at the point of accepting that belief.
ELIAS: Also, as I have stated, do not move into the black and white. Pay attention to yourself. Pay attention to your children but not to the exclusion of yourself. It is not a matter of in every moment in every situation acquiescing to what the child thinks they want.
LAURA: Maybe you can confirm this. I figured out this week that even though Zane whines about doing math work, I think he really does want me to push him to do it.
ELIAS: In a manner of speaking. It is not necessarily what you would term to be pushing, but at times there is a payoff and there is a motivation of wanting your interaction and wanting that external inspiration and an external reminder that what appears to be a chore may be perceived in a playful manner.
LAURA: We go through this thing almost daily of this whining and he starts holding his head. Once we wade through all that and he actually does the work – and I’ve gone to great lengths to find ways that he can do it that I think correspond to the way he thinks and the way he understands things – then he’ll be like, “Check this out!” and he does think it’s really cool. So in that sense I feel like after we’ve gone through all that, now we’re in agreement and that feels good. But what I don’t like is all that wading through the anxiety aspect of it that he has.
ELIAS: I am understanding. But allow yourself to evaluate and recognize what YOU are creating in that situation and in that interaction. First of all, you anticipate this struggle prior to the accomplishment. You also generate an association that you are already not in agreement and that the manner in which you may accomplish is only through agreement.
LAURA: Right, I strongly believe that.
ELIAS: Which is what we have been discussing. You may cooperate without agreement.
LAURA: I don’t get that, but I guess I’ll go back and observe it. (Laughs)
ELIAS: And you may choose to be interactive with other individuals that are in this physical proximity, for they may also offer a sharing of experiences that demonstrate this concept.
In this, also remember, these small ones are not so very unlike yourself. How many times have you incorporated the action of thinking that you want some manifestation or some direction or some expression, and in actuality your thinking may not necessarily be what you genuinely want? It may be an inaccurate translation.
Your children experience very similar. They are individuals also. They are your species, as are you. As you, they incorporate their beliefs and they incorporate the same mechanisms of thought and of choice and of communication, and they may not necessarily automatically recognize that their thought processes are not always accurate.
Also, recognize that individuals do not incorporate actions without a payoff. Therefore, your payoff to this interaction of conflict is a validation of your beliefs: accomplishment is achieved through work; accomplishments or success is achieved through some struggle. You offer yourself the expression of accomplishment, but prior to that you generate the conflict or the struggle. Also, you are expressing your perception of the small one that is not in agreement with you and that accomplishment is successfully expressed through agreement and not through cooperation, for cooperation may only be achieved in agreement. That is a truth and it is not true.
In this, his payoff is intense interaction with you and your complete attention and concentration upon him. He generates another payoff in exercising his power, and your frustration is his payoff of validation of his power – not that his power is bad, but that it may be expressed in manners which may be more beneficial and less conflicting.
LAURA: Here’s an idea I’ve had. We’ve all agreed in his life to a great deal more freedom of expression without coercion than certainly most kids in our society, so he has very little conflict or reason for conflict in his life. Sometimes I think maybe he generates this little conflict just so he can experience a little conflict and maybe see his power there, in conflict.
ELIAS: At times.
LAURA: It’s funny, because we do go around about the math. I’ve talked to him about not doing any workbooks and then he just does what he wants, and he says he doesn’t want that either. He wants me to make him do the workbooks, and yet we go through this little dance on a daily basis. That’s what made me think that maybe he wants to do the workbook but he doesn’t think he wants to do it.
ELIAS: Let me express to you another identification, which is not dissimilar to you and other individuals that view yourselves to not be children. They express a natural energy of directing of themselves, but they also express beliefs. This natural action of directing of self is unfamiliar. It is somewhat more familiar with small ones, for they are not acquiescing to the absoluteness of roles; but it continues to be somewhat unfamiliar, for your shift is not accomplished yet. Therefore, in the unfamiliarity of that directing of self, at times there is a floundering. You experience this also.
Individuals express quite strongly that they wish to be expressing this freedom in many directions. They wish to be incorporating this freedom in their focus, but they begin to generate this expression of freedom more and more and they become confused. Now what shall they do? How shall they direct their energy? What shall they incorporate in action? “What is my preference? What do I want? I incorporate this freedom, but I am unsure of how to exercise it.” Small ones know that they incorporate a freedom, and they know they are directing of themselves. But at times they also are floundering in that freedom, for what is familiar is structure.
Therefore, if I am allowing myself to direct myself and incorporate my own action and generate whatever I want, this is a tremendous freedom. What do I want? There is an uncertainty. What is common in that uncertainty is the automatic movement into what you would term to be large generalities: “I want happiness”; “I want to be expressing my freedom of myself in every area.” A child: “I want to be learning,” in your terms, or in their terms, “I want to be accomplishing”; “I want to be exploring what my abilities are, what I may be creating.” But how?
They appreciate their accomplishment and their exploration of their abilities, but they are not always certain how to be maneuvering. This is not a situation of you directing them, but you generating a cooperation with them and sharing with them, therefore participating in a supportive manner of their abilities.
If you incorporate confusion, draw upon yourself. Allow yourself to generate any association with yourself and behaviors or activities or expressions that you have expressed that you do not want to do. In that, you may express to yourself in a moment, “I want to do nothing. I want to be incorporating no action but playing.” And if you allow yourself that action for an extended time framework, you become bored, for it is not challenging. Therefore, you incorporate the playfulness in actions that are challenging, in exploring, for that is the reason that you have manifest in this dimension anyway.
Remember, they are not dissimilar to yourself. Therefore, if you are experiencing a conflict or a challenge in your interaction with them, explore you and what motivates that conflict within you, and you may reconfigure that and turn the scenario and create a different scenario, a new scenario.
LAURA: You were talking about generalities, and I actually like to look at these little moments of my life. (Laughs) I think they speak volumes. Like I bring up our little math book scenario or standing at my flute lesson – those to me just speak worlds about what’s really going on and how I approach my beliefs. I appreciate you discussing those little moments of my life in such detail.
ELIAS: You are quite welcome. (Chuckles)
LAURA: Thank you, Elias.
ELIAS: You are very welcome, my friend. I anticipate our next meeting, and I shall continue to offer to you encouraging and supportive energy in your challenge. (Chuckles)
LAURA: Oh, before you go, can I ask you two questions? I was at a concert a couple of weeks ago and electric-blue round dots of light kept flashing directly into my eyes. I felt that was communication from you. Then the homeless man in front of McDonald’s with the clear blue eyes – were you involved in that interaction at all?
ELIAS: A projection of energy. This is not a pop-in and it is not a manifestation or an apparition of myself, but there is an incorporation of my energy with that individual that is expressed through to you.
LAURA: I just noticed that his eyes seemed incongruous to his situation somehow, and it was an interesting discussion. That’s another little moment that maybe I’ll talk about at some point.
ELIAS: Very well! (Chuckles) To you in great affection, my friend, au revoir.
LAURA: Au revoir.
Elias departs at 1:29 PM.
© 2003 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.