Sunday, November 09, 2003
ďBreathing Symptoms, Depression and FearĒ
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Daryl (Ashrah).
Elias arrives at 12:52 PM. (Arrival time is 19 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good afternoon!
DARYL: Good afternoon. I am not there in physical proximity as I was planning to be, which I would like to talk to you about in a little bit.
ELIAS: Very well.
DARYL: I have a bunch of little questions to start with. Is Norwegian writer Cora Sandel a focus of Sandel?
ELIAS: Observing essence.
DARYL: Does Myiisha have a Dream Walker aspect?
DARYL: Is the name of her Dream Walker Arawe, A-R-A-W-E?
DARYL: In the session that Duncan had with you, her notes say one thing and then the tape keeps changing about whether or not Iím an observing essence of Adolf Eichmann. So can you tell me if I am?
ELIAS: Observing, yes.
DARYL: Is that throughout?
DARYL: Is there a simple answer why it was appearing and disappearing on her tape?
ELIAS: (Chuckles) Perhaps you may inquire of the individual what the individual is creating.
DARYL: Do you want to say anything about her grandmother, who is also involved?
ELIAS: It may an interesting investigation, but you may express that it has been a playful action.
DARYL: I will. Thank you. Am I an observing essence of Virginia Woolf?
DARYL: Am I observing essence of John Ritter?
DARYL: Is there any particular reason I had a reaction to him dying?
DARYL: Am I observing essence of Abraham Lincoln?
ELIAS: Also a counterpart.
DARYL: I wondered if I was observing essence of a poet called Marilyn Hacker.
DARYL: I discovered I liked her in the mid-70s and I withheld her from myself until like a week or two ago. Is that some kind of imagery for me?
ELIAS: And what is your impression?
DARYL: That I withhold things I like from myself.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) Quite accurate!
DARYL: Okay! Well, at least I found her. It only took me about 30 years! (Elias laughs) Also, am I observing essence of artist Paul Clay?
DARYL: Weíve talked before about what I experience as the watery, like looking through water, dimension with geometric forms.
DARYL: His paintings have a lot of geometric forms that remind me of that. Is that some kind of bleed-through from that dimension?
DARYL: Thatís one reason Iím drawn to his work, it seems to me.
DARYL: Do I have a focus, either a directing essence or observing essence, as an Andersonville prisoner during the Civil War?
DARYL: Is that a directing?
DARYL: Is that my focus Todd that weíve already discussed?
ELIAS: No, another focus.
DARYL: Another focus who is a prisoner?
DARYL: Does Myiisha have a focus there?
DARYL: Would it happen to be the author of the book I have, John McElroy? Is that her focus?
DARYL: Someone else?
DARYL: Is he Union or Confederate?
DARYL: When I was discussing Myrandaís focus, Mary, with her, I saw a boy who looked about twelve who had a donkey. Is that a focus of mine?
DARYL: He knew Mary but wasnít part of her family, is that correct?
DARYL: The information I got through an impression was that Iíve created a new future focus whose name is FranÁois, even though sheís female.
DARYL: And she lives in Paris in the year 3000?
DARYL: She described her interest as being the archeology of architecture. Did I get that correctly?
DARYL: I thought I wanted to have an even number of future focuses. I have eight now including everybody, or are there more popping up?
ELIAS: (Chuckles) This would be your choice, but your impression presently is correct.
DARYL: Thereís a childrenís book about a monkey whoís called Curious George, and I wondered if thatís a translation of a focus of mine.
ELIAS: Similar Ė not precisely, but similar, yes.
DARYL: I got a couple of impressions that I think are translations of names from 11:11, but I donít think theyíre mine. The first one is Iselda, and I think itís Nanaiis.
DARYL: I got another one, Datalia, and I think that is Myiisha or Oona.
ELIAS: Oona; pronunciation would translate in a softer beginning, Datalia (dah TAH lee ah).
DARYL: Is Maurice Sand a focus of Allesander?
DARYL: Does Allesander have a future focus at the Alterversity named Julie?
DARYL: I got one of them! (Elias chuckles)
Now I want to talk to you about what Iíve been doing. I know the last time we talked I was trying to make myself real tired of my breathing thing. I continued to do stuff like that for a couple more weeks, and then I felt like I really, really reached the end of my rope about it. I was really unhappy, and basically I just wanted to die rather than deal with it anymore.
The next day I got some information that seemed to be that my current breathing pattern reflected me holding the fear and other parts of myself at bay rather than letting them come into me. I think I changed my automatic responses to fear at that point and started doing something differently, and then it more or less resolved. When it started coming back, I would tell myself I had other choices and then it would go away again. Is that correct?
DARYL: Then things were going pretty well along those lines for a couple weeks. I had an episode earlier this week with Myranda and then again a couple days ago where I wasnít (inaudible) breathing that I think had to do with other-dimensional things that I want to talk to you about later.
ELIAS: Very well.
DARYL: The thing that really upset me is that I created it and I was unable to go to the group session at Fresno, which is something that I really had been looking forward to and I wanted to do. Iím really at a loss as to whatís going with me about that. I feel... I donít know. I thought Iím not going to deal with it, but Iíd like to talk to you about all that.
ELIAS: Very well. And your impressions?
DARYL: For one thing, I donít feel like Iím able to choose those other choices and Iím back to the old automatic response of how I deal with it, which is holding it out and not being accepting. I also think that it probably has something to do with the separation that Iíve been feeling and the expression of that, because I was unable to go and be with the people I love. I also think it had to do with expectations, because I know Iíve been showing myself something about expectations recently...
DARYL: ...and that I expected to go. But basically I feel, when itís going on, I just go into a depression. I try to get the communication and Iím not doing very well.
ELIAS: And how well have you incorporated your exercise?(1)
DARYL: I was having trouble breathing. I was doing it for a while and then I stopped because it was just so hard to go out anymore.
ELIAS: Therefore, you did not incorporate the suggestion.
DARYL: No, I didnít.
ELIAS: And what do you assess in your movement and your creations has prevented you from engaging that exercise?
DARYL: I donít know. If I was going to talk physically, I would say it was the breathing.
ELIAS: That is the symptom. What is your resistance, Ashrah, to offering a gift to yourself?
DARYL: I donít know. When I think about it, the only thing I get is feeling like I have to do something. Maybe Iím kind of resistant to that. I donít know. I donít often feel like I donít want to give gifts to myself. I feel like I do give gifts a lot of times.
ELIAS: And how do you incorporate that? What gifts do you offer to yourself?
DARYL: Foods I enjoy and books, even though Iím having trouble reading. I donít know, things like that.
ELIAS: These are not gifts. These are familiarities of comfort.
Offering a gift to yourself was significant, and this exercise was purposeful. As I offered explanation to you, this exercise would interrupt these familiar patterns that you continue to generate. I do not offer these suggestions to you or to any individual randomly or without purpose but in genuinely assessing each individualís energy and what they are actually doing and what YOU are generating in these patterns and these familiarities which move you into this discounting of yourself. In that action, you move yourself into familiar action patterns, such as constricting yourself and generating the symptom in association with your breathing, which you automatically begin to generate not merely a discounting of yourself but a devaluing of yourself. This is what generates what you term to be this depression.
In generating this exercise of offering yourself gifts, you reinforce your appreciation of yourself and your value of yourself, and you allow yourself to receive. You generate in that small action the movement of allowing yourself to receive. In that allowance, you also create more of a familiarity with yourself in a different manner, in a manner of worth, in which it is also interrupting the pattern of your automatic association that you must wait for what you want and that your value is not enough to offer yourself those expressions of gifts.
The interaction with these individuals in this physical proximity and your interaction with myself in physical proximity is an offering of a gift, and you did not generate that. But you also have not been practicing.
DARYL: When I get into the breathing thing, itís just so hard to do things. I knew part of it was I was supposed to do something that brought a smile to my face, and I just honestly couldnít think of anything that would bring a smile to my face.
ELIAS: It is not a matter of thinking of an action. It is a matter of incorporating an action and allowing yourself to move, and generating an action perhaps even in surprise, not planning but incorporating an action, as I suggested, in different manners, even merely to be incorporating a small walk in an unfamiliar direction physically, and allow yourself to pay attention and to observe what you are presenting to yourself, and in any window, or even the presentment of a stone upon your ground that is pleasing to you, to allow yourself to incorporate that as a gift to yourself.
That should incorporate a smile to interrupt this manifestation of constriction and the symptom of the breathing Ė to create an action prior to the incorporation of the breathing manifestation that shall be distracting and shall be reinforcing of your value and shall move you into a different perception and a much more playful perception with much less seriousness, incorporating an actual action that is unfamiliar and not within what you term to be your usual patterns. It was an expression of an efficient distraction that would actually interrupt this pattern.
DARYL: So are you saying if I did go out and try to walk around that Iíll be able to breathe? (Emotionally) Because I just feel so conspicuous not being able to breathe and being out in public! I donít know how to handle it.
ELIAS: Very well. Begin in small increments; begin in increments that allow you less of an conspicuousness. But I caution you, for that also incorporates a tremendous potential to merely reinforce what we are attempting to interrupt. For in not allowing yourself an exposure, you are concealing, and that merely reinforces the constriction, which was an element of the exercise.
DARYL: Could you say that again? I didnít understand that.
ELIAS: I am merely cautioning you in the direction of allowing yourself to incorporate this exercise in less conspicuous manners. For it may be quite easy for you to incorporate this exercise in an inefficient manner, which would merely reinforce what we are attempting to interrupt. For it may easily move into an action of concealment, which is merely a camouflage and is not actually generating the exercise and creating the point of it.
I am understanding of your discomfort and I am understanding of your apprehensiveness, but these are also elements that feed this fear and feed this constriction that produces this breathing and continues to generate this circle of the breathing and the discounting of yourself, the devaluing of yourself and the depression and the isolation. Do you understand and do you view how all of these expressions are all intertwined and generate this circle that continues to perpetuate itself?
DARYL: I guess, but I thought Iíd really changed those a few weeks ago when I did that and it seemed like my automatic responses were different.
ELIAS: You are correct. Temporarily you incorporated a method that was somewhat interruptive.
DARYL: I thought actually moving to this place, because I like it so much, I thought that that was a big change for me, too.
ELIAS: You are correct, and I have been acknowledging of you in relation to that choice in that movement. Now allow yourself to genuinely appreciate the choice that you have incorporated, rather than moving into an expression of continuing to generate what you have been generating, which is blocking and not allowing you your freedom.
DARYL: Why is it that I do that? Is it like fear of the unknown or is it duplicity or...?
ELIAS: Those are quite broad and general, I may express to you.
DARYL: But Iím trying to understand. I feel like I do value myself more than I did a few years ago.
ELIAS: Yes, you are quite correct.
DARYL: But it doesnít seem to be playing out that way in what Iím creating.
ELIAS: You are quite correct. You have generated considerable movement in different expressions of acceptance, in movement in much more of a trust of yourself, in allowing yourself choices. But as we have discussed many times, you continue to hold to your energy. You doubt your abilities. You do not trust yourself in exposure. You trust yourself in exposure in what you deem to be safe environments. You trust yourself in allowing yourself that exposure in interaction with other individuals if you allow yourself to generate similarities and if you generate certain types of relationships that you deem to be safe.
Those relationships that you deem to be safe, generally speaking, are incorporated with individuals that you generate limited physical interaction with, which is one of the reasons that you deem them to be safe. For, you may allow yourself to express yourself in communications with other individuals but it is unnecessary for you to continuously generate a presentment of yourself physically with other individuals. You continue...
DARYL: That has to do with fear of being around people physically?
ELIAS: Yes, for this taps into those familiar questionings and doubts and fears within you concerning your ability to actually create what you want or any type of intimacy or exposure with other individuals, if you are engaging physical proximity. In limited actions, you allow yourself physical interaction with individuals that you assess that you engage a closeness with. You do not deny yourself physical interaction with other individuals entirely Ė but this was also a factor of this exercise that I offered to you.
Allow yourself to genuinely view and evaluate how much of your actual time you incorporate not in physical proximity with other individuals.
DARYL: Almost all of it.
ELIAS: This is the point; this is significant. You incorporate strong desires, Ashrah, but you restrict yourself and you almost refuse to allow yourself to incorporate action in association with your desires.
DARYL: I put this personal ad in and I got responses, but one of them disappeared and the other one said sheíd get back to me in five weeks. Is that part of that?
DARYL: That fear has to do with things I created in my past, in that area?
ELIAS: Yes. (Pause)
DARYL: I guess I should start the exercise again, then.
ELIAS: This would be my suggestion.
DARYL: I guess I donít understand this. My choosing/doing part is supposed to be doing things that are beneficial. It seems like Iím so much in my way with the breathing stuff that I find it hard to consider that a beneficial choice.
ELIAS: It is beneficial for it is gaining your attention, and it does motivate you to offer yourself more information. It is a matter of whether you incorporate that information and apply the information or not. Your desire to offer the information to yourself is genuine and strong, but you express a resistance in the application of it.
DARYL: And the resistance is from fear?
ELIAS: Yes, and that is strongly influenced in association with your value of yourself.
Now; let me express to you in validation of what movement you have created. You have allowed yourself to generate several ongoing relationships with other individuals in what you term to be a closeness. You do value those relationships and the other individuals participating with you also value the relationship. But view how you have created that. That is to be acknowledged, for it is a tremendous movement beyond what you allowed yourself previously, in which you were not allowing yourself interaction with ANY individual in any type of intimacy or any type of closeness, which generated tremendous uncomfortableness. Therefore, I may be acknowledging to you that, as we have discussed many times previously, you have allowed yourself a window outside of your box and you have allowed yourself to move outside of that.
But remember our previous conversation in which you expressed to myself that you viewed yourself to be upon a threshold, that you had not actually moved through this door but you were quite encouraged that you recognized that you were presenting this to yourself. You continue to stand upon the threshold. You have not slammed the door. You merely have not incorporated the action to move into it, which was the point of my discussion with you in association with that exercise, to be encouraging of you and to be helpful to you to move through that door, to move your actions, to move your interactions with other individuals from this camouflaged perceived safety area into an actual exposure and allowance, and therefore generating a genuine acceptance within yourself and to ultimately dissipate this fear of interaction with other individuals physically.
You generate a tremendous intimacy with Oona, but how often do you incorporate interaction with this individual physically, in physical proximity? Quite infrequently. You choose individuals that you allow yourself to generate a closeness, in your terms, that are somewhat inaccessible to you, and this is not an accident. You choose Milde, you choose Myranda, you choose Oona. Even, to an extent, you choose Michael. All of these individuals you allow yourself to express yourself with, but only in association with your safety.
DARYL: When I was involved with that woman in physical proximity, I know I talked about marriage and things like that. But one of those feelings I got towards the end was I had a desperation towards wanting that intimacy that was basically screwing things up and screwing me up. It seemed like maybe I should step back from the idea of being intimate like that with somebody right now.
ELIAS: No. Your desire is strong, Ashrah, and it is quite understandable that this is what you want to be creating. But what you are not recognizing is that you overwhelm yourself, for in your terms you move from point 1 to point 600, and therefore you overwhelm yourself.
You generate relationships with other individuals, moving into an expression of closeness or intimacy and trust with other individuals, but you have not incorporated the action of physical interaction. You subsequently move into an attempt to be creating a relationship in the incorporation of physical interaction, which is quite unfamiliar now, and you do not incorporate that sense of safety for you have not offered yourself the steps to move into that type of a relationship without overwhelming yourself.
What you expressed to yourself in your communications was not to necessarily discontinue, but you were alerting yourself that you were overwhelming yourself and attempting to throw yourself into an overwhelming expression of intimacy in a very short time framework, which automatically triggers your doubt of your abilities and automatically triggers those absolutes, those truths that you hold in association with past experiences. Therefore, you frighten yourself, and as you frighten yourself you begin to discount yourself, and in that discounting of yourself you begin to generate actions that sabotage your want.
DARYL: So is the solution or the steps just to go slower?
ELIAS: In a manner of speaking, yes. Allow yourself to move in increments. Allow yourself to familiarize yourself with exposure. Allow yourself to incorporate this exercise in which you shall incorporate some increments of exposure but not in an intimacy, therefore allowing yourself to become familiar with exposing and generating a vulnerability and an openness with other individuals that you do not generate an intimacy with, and therefore become familiar with being more comfortable with you.
DARYL: Would it be helpful to be friends with somebody where thereís no romantic possibility?
ELIAS: Yes, which you already generate, but incorporating...
DARYL: ...in physical proximity?
ELIAS: Yes. I am not discouraging you from creating that type of a relationship in a romantic capacity. But recognize your energy, recognize your movement, recognize what you are doing and what becomes overwhelming to you, and allow yourself to move in increments and not generate these tremendous expectations of yourself, but allow yourself to relax. There is no urgency. (Pause)
DARYL: Do you have anything else youíd like to add to that? I think I know what youíre saying; I just donít know how to do it. (Emotionally) But I will try the exercise.
ELIAS: (Quietly) Be gentle with yourself, Ashrah. You are deserving of this. I shall continue to offer my energy to you constantly, as I always do. I shall continue to value you, as I always do, in encouragement that perhaps you shall offer this to yourself also.
DARYL: I want to cover a few more things.
ELIAS: Very well.
DARYL: Once before when I was having a fear thing, and it involved talking with Myranda, you confirmed that it had to do with an other-dimensional focus. That seemed to have happened a couple times this week.
First of all, I guess Iíd like to check out what was going on. She was reading a book with a character, a man called Ashe, which she pronounced ah-she. When I first got my version of my essence name, I had a distortion that it was Ashye, with a Y-E. So Iíd like to know if that character in that book is a translation of one of my focuses.
DARYL: Do I have a focus named Ashye with a Y-E?
DARYL: Then thatís the same one thatís being translated?
DARYL: Also, when we were doing our good-bye that time, I saw a spiral that had to do with energy, and the next phone call she had that. So I think thatís connected.
The second one was also another book, and she didnít find any particular character but there was a mouse involved and I have a lot of mice in my life. Then that night I had a dream that there were several cities or some sort of locations that Myranda was going to, and then she didnít want to cover them all so I went to them. They all had to do with ashes, and I know ashes are involved in a lot of imagery that involve fires. I guess those are both other dimensions, then?
DARYL: I donít understand what Iím doing with that, unless Iím trying to bring to my awareness that that is going on.
DARYL: Is it just to make me aware?
ELIAS: Yes, and to also offer you two elements. One is a prodding in a direction of more playfulness...
DARYL: (Wryly) Good luck there!
ELIAS: Ah ah ah! And what was that comment?
DARYL: A little sarcasm, I believe.
ELIAS: I believe you are correct, and I believe that that would be quite an expression of once again discounting yourself. Not in my presence, please! (Laughs)
It is also an expression offering you more of a validation of interconnectedness with Myranda.
DARYL: I know that the two of us have also been doing something with power, individuals that (inaudible). Weíve been offering ourselves and each other information about it. Do you have anything you want to say about that? I know you made a comment the other day (inaudible).
ELIAS: (Chuckles) Perhaps you may be playing with this powerfulness in different manners and actually allow yourself to play.
DARYL: Another thing is I started having the heat spells in the last week. Iíve tried to figure out what they are, but I canít get anything specific. What am I telling myself with that?
ELIAS: And shall you offer an impression?
DARYL: I donít know, maybe discounting of self, that type of thing. I didnít think it was the last one, which was depressing.
ELIAS: No, but it is associated with that, for it is associated with an offering to yourself, an actual physical manifestation of power and the power of your energy.
DARYL: So thatís what Iím showing myself?
ELIAS: Yes. You generate many physical manifestations to offer yourself your imagery of what you are doing.
DARYL: Another thing I had was bleeding, which to me is imagery of drama.
DARYL: Are my gums expressing anything else, because thatís one part of my drama. Is that constricting myself?
ELIAS: Yes, or perhaps more specifically it is physical imagery associated with the shielding aspect of what you do.
DARYL: I have had mice and Iíve been catching them. To me, they are representative of power. They make much more noise than my birds make and theyíre quite bold. The other thing I found interesting is that they take my chocolate, which Iím very attached to, and Iíve never known mice to go after chocolate. (Elias chuckles) Iíve also wondered, because theyíre so outrageous, if Patel is involved there, in a way.
ELIAS: At times. (Chuckles) But this also is another expression of playfulness in an attempt to generate that smile!
DARYL: Is the chocolate to connect them to me and my power?
DARYL: Iíve also been having heartburn on and off. That seems to me that my attention is not on myself, particularly in the area of romance.
ELIAS: Correct, and you are aware of the particulars of that.
DARYL: I am?
ELIAS: In association with certain individual.
DARYL: Oh, specific to that individual?
DARYL: Regarding the lump, I still have it. When we last talked it was pretty active and giving me pain, and then after the session it stopped that. In the past few days itís gotten less tender, so maybe thatís some kind of imagery, too, that itís less tender. Iím not giving it the concentration the way I was before.
ELIAS: Which is to be acknowledged.
DARYL: But itís still there, so I guess itís going to express itself too.
ELIAS: Allow yourself to relax and not to be generating this concentration, which I have expressed to you previously.
DARYL: Concentration on it?
DARYL: I didnít think I was, like I was before.
ELIAS: Not as strongly, and therefore you are also affecting, for the manifestation is different.
DARYL: It still has to do with sexuality?
DARYL: Can you tell me anything that would help me, when I do my other breathing stuff, that would help me move out of the depression and feeling paralyzed by it? (Pause)
ELIAS: Create a game to alter your perception. With each breath that is constricted, visualize a window into another area of consciousness. The shorter the breath, the closer the window, and the closer you move into discovery of a new excitement.
DARYL: Recently I was thinking about fear of the unknown, and it seems to me that there are also beliefs about the unknown being exciting and interesting and stimulating.
DARYL: Can I kind of activate that by thinking that way?
ELIAS: Yes. In this, with each shortness of breath, with each constriction of each breath, as the breath is more constricted and you move closer to one of these windows, know that within the other side of each window lies some wondrous experience or manifestation, another gift! Perhaps in generating this game with yourself Ė this is not an exercise; this is a game Ė and in this game, perhaps you shall efficiently distract yourself with your curiosity of what lies beyond the window that you shall be sufficiently distracted away from your concentration of your breathing and it may alleviate.
DARYL: Our time is up.
ELIAS: Very well, my dear friend. I am always encouraging of you.
DARYL: Thank you.
ELIAS: I am always offering an energy to be encouraging of playfulness, that you may discover your genuine potential and your genuine appreciation of your wonderment. I offer to you, Ashrah, tremendous love. I anticipate our next meeting, and I shall be encouraging to you in the interim time framework. In great fondness, my friend, au revoir.
DARYL: Au revoir.
Elias departs at 1:53 PM.
(1) From Session #1442, 9/24/03:
ELIAS: I shall express to you an exercise that I instruct you to incorporate each day for a period of two of your weeks. In this, you shall incorporate a game with yourself. In each of your days, you shall move outside of your dwelling and incorporate the purchase of one small item as a gift to yourself each day. It matters not what it is. It matters not how small it is or what its expense is. It may be any item, regardless of how little its value may be. But the one requirement associated with the item must be that you must incorporate a smile.
DARYL: Uh oh! Iím in trouble now!
ELIAS: (Laughs) We shall move you into appreciation yet, and that door shall open! Ha ha!
© 2003 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.