Tuesday, April 19, 2005
ďAttracting a RelationshipĒ
ďPreferences versus ExpectationsĒ
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Terri (Uliva).
(Eliasí arrival time is 17 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good afternoon!
TERRI: Good afternoon, Elias!
ELIAS: (Chuckles) And how shall we proceed?
TERRI: Iíd like to start with the three questions I keep forgetting to ask: essence name, family and orientation.
ELIAS: Very well. Essence name, Uliva, U-L-I-V-A (yoo LEE vuh). And your impression as to essence families?
TERRI: And orientation, either intermediate or common?
ELIAS: Common. What is your impression as to your family alignment?
TERRI: Oh, good. The group session was so important to everybody, and it just made me realize how many irritations I have! (1) (Laughs)
TERRI: From talking with you last time, I always try to listen very carefully. I think Iím making so much progress, and then a situation like the man that I was going to meet in New Orleans... We talked so well, and then it was a complete disaster! From reading your sessions, you always say that you pay attention to how it falls apart but that you donít pay attention to what you accomplish. So Iím wondering if maybe I was just supposed to pay attention to the fact that I talked to somebody on the phone for so long, and even though it didnít work out, maybe that was a sign of progress.
ELIAS: Yes, and imagery to yourself that you were beginning to allow yourself more of your own freedom in allowing yourself to be expressive and sharing with another individual.
TERRI: I get so frustrated. I feel like Iíve worked on this whole issue of having a relationship with a male for six years, and I just feel like Iím making very little or no progress at all. I just keep wondering, am I ever going to have a relationship again?
ELIAS: What is significant in this is that you are now beginning to pay attention to you, and you are beginning to offer yourself information to become more familiar with you. That is significant, for that is what shall allow you to generate a relationship with another individual. In this, you may begin becoming familiar with your own expectations, the expectations that you express concerning yourself and concerning other individuals.
Expectations generate obstacles. For as you express expectations of other individuals, you project an energy of threat, and as you express expectations of yourself, you generate an energy of discounting Ė neither of which is very attractive to another individual.
TERRI: Evidently! I canít seem to get more than two dates! So I must be doing that very well. (Laughs with Elias)
ELIAS: But this is your opportunity to begin to evaluate and examine what you are doing and what type of energy you are projecting. What do you view as the expectations that you project as you begin to develop a relationship with another individual?
TERRI: I know I have a lot of expectations. I think that I try to keep them simple, but maybe Iím way off. I expect them to return phone calls. I expect them to do what they say theyíre going to do Ė thatís a big one Ė because I feel that if they donít, if they donít do at least that, then that becomes a trust issue, and if I canít trust them, then itís never going to go anywhere. So I think my biggest one is that I expect them to do what they say theyíre going to do.
ELIAS: Very well. This shall be our beginning point, for it is not a matter of what the other individual does or does not do. It is not a matter of the other individualís choices. It is a matter of paying attention to you and you creating.
In this expectation, you are hinging much of your choices and you are limiting yourself, for you are waiting for the other individual to generate the choices that you shall follow. Therefore, your choices are dependent upon the other individualís choices, and your choices are dictated by the other individual. This sets fertile ground for you to be being the victim.
The trust is not expressed from the other individual, and contrary to mass beliefs, trust is not earned. Trust is expressed within you, trusting yourself and what you create and generating a satisfaction in your own creations of what you want, involving your own trust in your ability to generate that.
You are not generating a relationship with another individual to acquire from them. That is not the point of a relationship. What an individual Ė you also, for you are not an exception Ė wants in creating a relationship with another individual, or coupling themselves with another individual, is to incorporate the freedom and the ability to express yourself.
That is genuinely what you want Ė not what you want from another individual, but your own allowance of yourself to freely be you and to freely express yourself in association with your preferences. That naturally generates an energy that attracts to you individuals that shall reflect to you what YOU are doing, and therefore, shall produce precisely what you want. You draw individuals to you that shall precisely reflect what you are generating within you.
TERRI: So the guy that I attracted last weekend in New Orleans was reflecting how judgmental Iím being?
TERRI: Because he judged me immediately one way and discounted me?
ELIAS: And this is what you do.
TERRI: Right. And I do see that, but I donít know how to break the pattern. I canít seem to get out of it, like the hamster wheel you talk about.
ELIAS: Correct. The significant method to stopping the hamster wheel is to interrupt familiar patterns. In order to interrupt familiar patterns, it is necessary that you are aware of them and that you notice them. Therefore, the first step is to pay attention to what you are actually doing Ė what type of energy you are actually projecting, what you are doing and what you are not doing, for that is also a doing, and what expectations you are expressing in relation to yourself and in relation to other individuals.
In noticing what you are actually expressing, the next step is not to oppose yourself, not to be expressing an energy of opposition but rather to be noticing and acknowledging. In that action of not doing, not opposing, you allow yourself a type of respite temporarily in which you allow your energy to relax somewhat, and that allows you to offer yourself new information concerning other choices and different influences of beliefs that can be chosen. But if you are opposing your own beliefs and if you are opposing yourself in what you do, you shall not offer yourself that openness to receive new information. Therefore, this is an important step, to be noticing but not to be opposing.
Distraction is also an efficient manner to interrupt familiar expressions, automatic responses, and familiar patterns.
TERRI: I thought I was practicing that last weekend, but obviously I went very wrong somewhere.
ELIAS: (Chuckles) In this, I have offered an exercise to many individuals to be noticing the moments in which they are discounting of themselves and noting them, and also to be noticing and noting each time they are expressing an expectation. You may recognize an expectation quite easily, for generally it is associated with a should or a should-not.
TERRI: I think I recognize those quite well. It started at the hotel when I expected him to offer to carry my bag up the stairs.
TERRI: But I guess I donít know... I tried to say okay and tried not to make a big deal out of it, but I did notice that I have that expectation.
ELIAS: And you did not acknowledge that.
TERRI: To him?
ELIAS: Or to yourself. You opposed it.
TERRI: So I kind of discounted it, saying maybe thatís not important?
ELIAS: Correct, and therefore, you are not acknowledging that this is your expectation. In not acknowledging your expectation, how can you evaluate it and generate different choices genuinely? It is not a matter of ignoring what you are doing or pushing it away. Those are both oppositions. It is a matter of acknowledging, and once you acknowledge, allowing yourself to question what motivates that expectation.
TERRI: I just think that thatís a gentlemanly thing to do.
ELIAS: And what defines a gentlemanly duty?
ELIAS: And what is the significance of a gentlemanly duty?
TERRI: In my mind, it shows that they care.
TERRI: I know thatís only in my mind, but I donít know how to get around that because those are my truths. I know that theyíre my truths. But I still gauge people on whether they do things that I expect of them.
ELIAS: And that is the point. That is what is significant to be addressing to.
TERRI: But I donít know that I would ever want somebody that didnít do any of those things. Thatís what Iím having a hard time with. I can acknowledge that he doesnít see that itís his role, that itís something he needs to do to show that heís caring of a person. But when you get so many of those things built up, I donít know that I would want that type of person in my life. I want somebody thatís going to do things that I believe are romantic or that I believe are gentlemanly. I know that those are only my beliefs and may not be in everybody elseís world, but I donít know how to reconcile it.
ELIAS: I am understanding. But as you continue to direct your attention in this manner, I may express to you, you generate a considerable potential of continuing in the manner that you have and not generating the type of relationship that you want.
TERRI: Thatís what I read in one of your sessions. Instead of concentrating on those things, concentrate on what I prefer.
TERRI: Thatís what Iíve been trying to do, but I donít think Iíve been doing it...
ELIAS: Not what you prefer concerning the other individual. This is your trap that you continue to fall into. You continue to project your attention outside of yourself and camouflage in expressing ďthis is my preference that YOU do this.Ē No. That is not necessarily a preference; that is an expectation. Your preferences concern YOU and your behavior and what YOU do. If YOU are doing what you prefer and if you are allowing yourself to express in association with your guidelines, your truths Ė not your truths concerning other individuals but concerning yourself Ė if you are expressing in that manner and paying attention to you, you shall be projecting a very different energy, one that is attractive to other individuals and one that shall attract the type of individual that you want.
TERRI: I think thatís where Iím getting confused. Can you give me an example of my preferences? I have a feeling that even though I think Iím doing it right, itís all going back to an expectation of somebody else.
ELIAS: Correct. What do you view as your preferences? For a moment pretend there are no other individuals within your reality, merely you. There are no other individuals to satisfy any expression within you, any need within you. What are YOUR preferences?
TERRI: My preferences are to feel peaceful and to feel that Iím not under stress or pressured to do things.
ELIAS: Very well. You incorporate a preference for calm. Are you creating that?
TERRI: Not very well. Maybe every now and then for a moment, but it seems to slip away fast.
ELIAS: That would be another beginning point, to be paying attention in the now to what you are doing, and in that, generate choices that shall allow you to express your preference of calm. There are choices in every moment, in every scenario. In the moments that you are not experiencing calm, that is what you are choosing. It is not what you must choose, but it is what you are choosing.
What is another of your preferences?
TERRI: I guess Iím still trying to relate it back to relationships with men. I think my preference would be to have a relationship with a man that I would perceive as a calm relationship. (Laughs) I guess part of me thinks that any relationship with a man is going to have so much drama that I keep pushing it away as much as Iím trying to attract it.
ELIAS: I may express to you once again, you shall not be stopping your hamster wheel if you continue to move in this direction.
TERRI: I shall be or shall not be?
ELIAS: You shall not be.
TERRI: I shall not be if I move in this direction of paying attention to my preferences?
ELIAS: Of paying attention to outside of yourself, continuing to project your attention in association with another individual and continuing to express in conjunction with expectations, and not allowing yourself to discover and become familiar with your own preferences. You are confusing expectations with preferences.
TERRI: Youíre right. Iím trying to get this straight, because I think itíll be a big breakthrough if I can get a handle on this. Is it a preference that I have somebody to do things with, like outdoor activities? Is that a preference?
ELIAS: At this point, no.
TERRI: But it could be.
ELIAS: It can be.
TERRI: But Iím putting expectations on how I want them to behave?
ELIAS: Correct. It can be generated into a preference if you are becoming familiar and allowing yourself to experience your own preferences individually first.
TERRI: I definitely prefer to spend time outdoors with my dog in nature. I definitely have that as a preference.
ELIAS: Yes. That is a preference. But in association with another individual, it becomes an expectation. In relation to yourself, that action is a preference.
TERRI: Iím just trying to get a handle on whatís a preference and what Iím turning into an expectation. I guess Iím just trying to understand what my preferences are.
ELIAS: Which I am aware, and that is not unusual. Many, many, many individuals are not clear yet as to what their preferences are, for you have not allowed yourself to become intimately familiar with you.
TERRI: And I thought I was, all this time! (Laughs) Iím so confused!
ELIAS: In like manner to many other individuals also.
You think you know yourself. You think you are aware. But in actuality, you are not as aware as you think, for you have not actually incorporated the actual action of genuinely paying attention to what you are doing.
Remember the intensity of frustration that was expressed in the interaction with the group. All of these individuals have been incorporating this information and discussing this information and attempting to assimilate this information. But this is the reason that I posed those two specific questions, to emphasize how much most individuals continue to not actually be familiar with what they are doing, and how much they project their attention to other individuals and generate expectations and opposition and a lack of acceptance and a forcing of energy in opposition to difference, and not actually genuinely paying attention to what you yourself are doing, not genuinely paying attention to what your preferences actually are, and confusing yourself in attempting to identify preferences in what you define as significant actions.
You incorporate many, many, many, many preferences in each of your days in all of the mundane activities that you incorporate. You do not necessarily define those as preferences, but they are.
TERRI: As simple as I brush my teeth because I prefer the way my teeth feel when theyíre clean?
TERRI: I keep thinking that Iím doing this, but obviously Iím not doing it.
ELIAS: You are, to an extent. But you confuse yourself and you frustrate yourself in the action of projecting your attention outside of yourself and concerning yourself to an extent with the choices and the behaviors of other individuals.
TERRI: So how do I catch myself when Iím doing that and bring my attention back to myself?
ELIAS: Noticing. That is one of your greatest tools Ė being aware, noticing what you are doing.
As an example, in the moment noticing that within you you are incorporating an expectation of another individual to carry your bag, notice that expectation, identify it and evaluate it. Move your attention away from the other individual and what you expect of the other individual, momentarily generating the other individual to disappear from your reality and moving your attention to you. What motivated that expectation? What are you expressing within yourself? What are you seeking that you perceive that you lack? What are you attempting to acquire that you perceive that you do not have? That is what is motivating that expectation.
TERRI: Is all of this frustration why I am so tired all the time? I feel like I could just sleep for years.
ELIAS: Yes. You are projecting a considerable volume of energy, which can be quite exhausting.
TERRI: How can I stop doing that so I donít feel like I need to sleep every two hours?
ELIAS: Precisely in what we have been discussing: noticing, not opposing but evaluating. Pull your attention to you.
TERRI: I guess Iím doing the same thing with money, too.
ELIAS: Which is another expression that you are attempting to acquire, rather than generating it.
TERRI: So itís the same answer, to notice? Iím thinking of switching real estate companies again because I think it has opportunities that Iíve been trying to generate, as far as investment opportunities, opportunities to work with a builder, and Iím perceiving it to be a better situation. But the things that theyíre doing now, the way that they operate, makes me question whether I should move or not.
ELIAS: In relation to what?
TERRI: They just donít seem very organized. When I bring something up to them, I keep wondering if theyíre going to follow through with what they say theyíre going to do or if theyíre so unorganized, the whole thingís going to fall apart.
ELIAS: Which, once again, is you projecting your attention outside of you, not trusting you and what you are creating, being the co-pilot once again and allowing other individuals to be steering, holding your attention upon the choices of other individuals and how they create, and expressing a judgment in relation to that for it is different from how you would create. Once again, not paying attention to yourself and trusting yourself and allowing yourself to generate what you want, and recognizing that you create all of your reality, not that the other individuals are creating some element of your reality and that they may create it wrong.
TERRI: I started out with this thought of switching, thinking that this is what I want. My preference is to work with investors. My preference is to work with builders. My preference is to work with a company that offers more opportunities in development and being involved in deals. When I keep questioning the way theyíre operating, sometimes I come back to myself and say just keep focusing on what my initial preferences were and attracting this opportunity to me. Is that being on the right track?
ELIAS: Yes, and trusting yourself and not concerning yourself with what the other individuals are doing.
TERRI: So trust that I attracted exactly what I needed to. Thatís also a good example of what my preferences are. Those are true preferences.
TERRI: Now Iím starting to get it. Whoo, this is hard! (Laughs)
ELIAS: As I have stated, what confuses you is when you begin concerning yourself with other individuals and their choices and what they are doing and the differences between yourself and the other individuals. That generates your confusion and your frustration, for you expect them to be the same and they are not, and you incorporate difficulty in acceptance of differences.
TERRI: Yeah, because I know my way works and I doubt that theirs does.
ELIAS: But it does.
TERRI: Right, but Iím just saying thatís my thinking.
TERRI: So I keep forgetting to hold the concentration on my preferences, and I let my thoughts about what theyíre doing carry me away.
ELIAS: Correct, and that distracts your attention away from you, and it opens the door for countless automatic responses.
TERRI: So I just need to be aware of that by noticing and then bring my attention back to me and what my preferences were to begin with.
ELIAS: Correct, and to trust you and to not concern yourself with the other individuals. They are not creating your reality; you are.
TERRI: Thatís definitely an example that makes a lot more sense.
The other thing that I wanted to address was the whole situation with my weight. No matter what I do, I canít seem to lose anything, and thatís frustrating me, too.
ELIAS: Which, once again, this concerns opposition. The more that you oppose, the more energy you express in conjunction with reinforcing the creation.
TERRI: What am I opposing?
ELIAS: What are you opposing?
TERRI: Weighing less? Looking the way I want to look?
ELIAS: How are you opposing that?
TERRI: By constantly looking at how Iím not the way I want to be?
ELIAS: Correct. By viewing lack and opposing that, and concentrating your attention upon that.
TERRI: So if I hold my attention to my preference of weighing a certain amount or looking a certain way, and not always checking against it...
ELIAS: And also not opposing what you have already created. Accepting what you have already created, acknowledging what you have already created, not expressing opposition to it, and allowing yourself to relax and expand and explore new creations. But in continuing to oppose what you have already created, expressing to yourself repeatedly ďI dislike this, I dislike this,Ē what are you doing in that action? You are concentrating upon the opposition of what you have already created.
TERRI: And generating more of it.
TERRI: Itís really the same thing. I guess I keep tying my weight to if I weighed less then Iíd get a man, which I know is completely ridiculous (Elias chuckles), but somehow I keep running on that hamster wheel.
ELIAS: Which, once again, is...
TERRI: ...giving them the power over me.
ELIAS: Yes, and is not expressing a genuine preference but another expectation of yourself.
TERRI: It all goes back to the same thing, but I think I understand it more now.
I wanted to ask a different question regarding all the electrical problems that seem to surround me, in my house with different electrical outlets not working and then they work, and then my car wonít start with the key and then it works. Is there a meaning behind this that Iím just not getting, so I keep creating more of it?
ELIAS: This is associated with your energy and the intensity of it and the scatteredness of it.
TERRI: So to overcome this I really need to come back to myself and really figure out what my preferences are...
ELIAS: And what you are doing, and allow yourself to relax and not generate such intensity. Move into balance.
TERRI: Well, I can certainly try to do that! (Laughs)
ELIAS: (Chuckles) No trying! Trying is an expression of automatically discounting yourself.
TERRI: I guess I say ďtryingĒ because I keep thinking Iím doing these things, and Iím not even close. I think I will always keep doing it, but I think Iím on the right track and then...
Like with my money situation. Iíve done balance transfers before to put money from a credit card into my checking account to get the lowest interest rate, and I had it all organized. When I went to New Orleans and came back, I found out that it never went through, and I bounced checks and it blew up! I keep thinking Iím on the right track, and I didnít think that I had any worries about that at all, and the whole thing just blew up! Itís taken me two weeks and I still donít have it straightened out.
ELIAS: And this is further evidence of not genuinely paying attention to you, generating in familiar manners that are inefficient and perpetuate the expressions that you do not want and that you do not like.
TERRI: Because Iím trying to acquire it...
TERRI: ...instead of generating it.
ELIAS: Correct. Therefore, you move from a point of lack, and that is the seat of your concentration. You create what you concentrate upon.
TERRI: So I need to concentrate on my preference for a certain amount of money or a certain comfort level?
ELIAS: No. The direction would be to appreciate what you have already created and to acknowledge what you have. That alters the energy that you are projecting outwardly.
The energy that you are projecting outwardly in all of your directions in this present time framework is that of lack, which is the motivating force of acquiring, for you lack. You lack a relationship, you lack attention, you lack money, you lack attractiveness in appearance. All of what you are expressing is generating from a point of lack, and therefore, that is what you create, for that is your seat of concentration. That is what is to be interrupted.
TERRI: The way of interrupting it is to appreciate what I have and what Iíve already created and acknowledge what I have.
ELIAS: Yes. Acknowledge yourself, appreciate what you have created, what you are creating, trust your expression, trust yourself, hold your attention with you.
TERRI: I do this every now and then, but nowhere near on a regular basis. It seems like these things may creep in every now and then. I get a hint of when I do it right, but I donít hold it.
ELIAS: This is the point of paying attention, to practice to become familiar with paying attention to you. That allows you to intentionally manipulate your energy and your choices, and not be the victim to all that is outside of you, and not be a victim of yourself in unsatisfied expectations.
TERRI: When I get these feelings, like I get an overwhelming feeling that I really should do something, Iím probably on the right track, but then I go about destroying it by all of the judgments and expectations and thinking about what could go wrong with it.
TERRI: So Iím on the right track when I get it. I guess thatís where my frustration comes in, because I donít see that Iím blowing it up myself. It seems like somehow itís blowing up mysteriously, but Iím actually doing it myself because the focus of my energy changes?
TERRI: So it starts out in the right direction and then it changes completely.
ELIAS: For you change it, for you sabotage it.
TERRI: I guess thatís where a lot of the confusion was coming, because things feel so right and I really feel like Iím on the right track, and I couldnít catch myself sabotaging it. Even though I thought that I was, I couldnít catch where it was going wrong.
ELIAS: The element of the expectations is significant.
TERRI: Which all goes back to not trusting myself, and lack of acceptance is probably right there with it, too.
ELIAS: Yes, and not trusting yourself that you can create what you want, depending upon other individuals to create what you want.
TERRI: Right, and wanting them to act a certain way.
ELIAS: Correct, which is a part of your dependence upon the other individuals to be creating for you what you want.
TERRI: When thatís not part of it at all. Itís depending on me.
TERRI: Iíve always had the feeling that Iíve had a lot more male experiences than female experiences. Would that be true?
TERRI: Is this my first female experience?
TERRI: Just not a lot of them?
TERRI: I donít feel very feminine. I always feel like I have more male traits than I do female. I guess I donít have a lot of tolerance of a lot of feminine traits. Have I chosen this existence to try to obtain more balance?
ELIAS: Partially, but that also is another of your obstacles, that which you do not accept concerning yourself.
TERRI: And not of others.
TERRI: I donít seem to accept it in others, either. I donít seem to accept children very well. I have such a hard time with my kids not keeping the house the way I expect it to be kept, and I keep going around and around with that one, too. I keep trying to focus on my preference of a clean house, but then I come home and the whole thingís filthy and I explode, and I go right back on the wheel again.
ELIAS: Which does not concern the other individuals. Once again, it concerns your expectations and what you are creating.
TERRI: I guess I get to the point where itís like how long do I have to hold this preference of a clean house before it gets clean?
ELIAS: You may incorporate this preference of incorporating a clean house throughout the entirety of your focus, and as you continue to generate the expectation concerning the other individuals, you shall continue to disappoint yourself and frustrate yourself and not accomplish what you want, for you are not generating a cooperation. You are generating expectations, which, as I have stated many times, creates a threat, and that is genuinely received by the other individuals.
TERRI: Iíve gotten myself into this pattern of thinking that thatís the only way I can get through to them.
ELIAS: And you do not.
TERRI: No. So how do I generate a cooperation?
ELIAS: (Strongly) Stop opposing and stop generating expectations.
TERRI: Of how they should behave in the house?
ELIAS: Correct. Generate a cooperation with the other individuals rather than expectation, and generate what you want by incorporating your own action and being an example.
TERRI: Be the little sapling.
ELIAS: Yes, which expects no thing.
TERRI: I understand that, but my mind keeps going back to if thatís the case, then Iím going to be the one doing all the cleaning because Iím going to be the only one whoís cleaning anything.
ELIAS: That statement is merely a continuation of the expectation.
TERRI: So I need to let that go?
ELIAS: Yes, for you generate this expectation also, not merely of what you expect them to do but that you also expect them not to do it. Therefore, in addition to the threat, you also are expressing an energy of discounting, which they are receiving and responding to and reflecting.
TERRI: I definitely see that.
ELIAS: Therefore, once again, it is a matter of you.
TERRI: So I need to really focus on holding my attention on my preferences and noticing...
ELIAS: And paying attention to your energy and what type of energy you are projecting, for you are reflecting quite strongly in many different directions your energy.
TERRI: Okay, back to the drawing board! (Both laugh) Well, thank you so much again for your time. Iím sure you get quite tired of repeating the same thing over and over and over again to us!
ELIAS: Not at all, my friend. (Laughs)
TERRI: Well, good; Iím glad. I look forward to seeing you in July in Chicago.
ELIAS: Very well! I shall be anticipating that, and I shall be offering my energy to you in encouragement and in supportiveness. I am recognizing the challenge that you are generating presently. Remember, incorporate some playfulness. (Chuckles)
TERRI: I will certainly try.
ELIAS: (Laughs) No trying!
TERRI: I will certainly do that! (Both laugh)
ELIAS: Very well!
TERRI: Thank you.
ELIAS: I express to you great affection, my friend. In great fondness, au revoir.
TERRI: Till we meet again.
Elias departs after 1 hour, 1 minute.
(1) The group session would be 1742, April 02, 2005 (held in New Orleans), titled ďWhat Is Your Greatest Fear; What Is Your Greatest Irritation?Ē/ďPreferences Are SuspectĒ/ďExercise: Pay Attention to EVERY Action and Evaluate What Influenced That Action.Ē
© 2005 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.