Monday, December 20, 1999
“Relationships: Sexual Intimacy”
“The Camouflage of Physical Attraction”
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Joseph (Dainel).
Elias arrives at 10:13 AM. (Arrival time is 18 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good morning, Dainel!
JOSEPH: Good morning, Elias! How are you?
ELIAS: As always!
JOSEPH: I’m real excited to talk to you again; a little bit nervous, but nowhere near as much as the last time! (Elias chuckles) Can I read something I wrote? You don’t mind, do you?
ELIAS: You may.
JOSEPH: The first thing I wanted to say is to give my reactions to our last conversation and to acknowledge results and set them down, for the record.
I listened to the tape of our conversation maybe five times. At first I felt a wave that threatened to crush me – the difficulty of the task of dealing with issues in my life in such a way as to bring certain types of happiness in my life, especially a relationship.
When I listened to the tape a third time with my best friend Warren, the thing that struck me was the extraordinary answer you gave to my inquiry. It had depth and perception. It was practically a work of art. The conclusion was inspired. I did not express myself well because I was nervous, and I interrupted often; I couldn’t hear well. This could have thrown you off, but you rose above the influence.
I want to present myself better than I did in the first conversation, and I want to do that much for the same reason as I write many rough drafts until I’m satisfied with the final version of a piece of writing. For that reason, I typed up what I want to say to you, to read it to you. Later I realized that doing this is a consideration for anyone listening to the tape of our conversation, and more so for the person having to transcribe it. Why should the latter have to struggle with their task? (Elias grins)
I will read what I have prepared slowly, with pauses to allow you to respond at any point you see fit, perhaps after each paragraph. Now I’ve just finished the second paragraph.
Prior to the session with you, I was butting my head against obstacles, trying to create a relationship through meditation. I was verging on the desperate. You helped me to identify the obstacle. With that recognition, I saw that it was no use to continue the meditations. Stopping them – not totally, but almost – gave me considerable relief. What you told me also led me to make frequent affirmations of self-acceptance and self-approval, as well as to pay attention to the moment. While the big gain I sought was in the area of intimacy, I found an immediate affect in another area, and I was greatly surprised. I used to get very frustrated and impatient with certain functional difficulties; for instance, dropping things from lack of concentration or making other kinds of mistakes. Such impatience was relieved dramatically; not all, but a considerable amount of it. End of third paragraph.
Humans have many lifestyles, but three are the easiest for me to imagine. I don’t have any of them, but I wish I did. One is a succession of male partners for sex. Two is a partner to live with. Three is one partner who visits me frequently for sex. The latter is what I have been attempting to create, but now that I work on self-acceptance/self-approval instead of trying to create a relationship, will my preferred intimacy change? I wonder if my choice for a type of intimacy developed from discounting myself and rejecting myself.
Now, this is the end of the paragraph, but other paragraphs kind of tie into that. Do you want me to continue, or do you want to talk?
ELIAS: I shall express to you, in response to what you have presented now, that you are expressing to myself two different directions. You are exploring different possibilities, but have not in actuality chosen one particular direction in regard to this subject matter of relationship.
Now; I shall address to this in clarifying with you that one of the reasons that you have not chosen a particular direction with this subject matter of relationships is directly related to what we spoke of at our last meeting, in your acceptance of self, for you vacillate between the want of an intimate relationship with one partner in a continuous interaction, and a different type of relationship in which you engage one partner but not entirely in intimacy, but in intimate sexuality with that partner.
JOSEPH: Yeah, that ties in with a later question. You’ve kind of answered that. Go ahead.
ELIAS: In this, as you continue to be exploring self and your acceptance of self, you may allow yourself to be creating a choice with more clarity objectively in relation to this subject matter of intimacy.
For the reason that you move in the direction of wanting a type of relationship that provides you with an intimacy merely in the area of sexuality and physical contact is that there remains areas within yourself that you hold difficulty in accepting – in your assessment of the adequacy of self and how that may be translated by another individual.
JOSEPH: Excuse me for interrupting. That really kind of ties in with another question I want to ask about. I have to jump ahead and look where it is here. (Pause)
I can’t find it. Go ahead, Elias. Continue. I’m sorry.
ELIAS: There is no need for apology. You may relax, and you may interject your inquiry, and I shall wait. (Smiling)
JOSEPH: Thank you.
ELIAS: You are quite welcome.
JOSEPH: Oh, here it is. It seems that practically every individual looks for a partner to share common interests, but I definitely do not. I’m an artistic soul. My ideal partner, in my mind, is an ordinary working man, completely lacking in artistic sensitivity and totally without interest in things of intellect; for example, music, reading, science, plants, et cetera. Why do I desire a partner who seems so radically different from me? I think I have an inkling of the answer. It might be the characteristic of masculinity, which is of paramount importance in my choice of partner, is the explanation. I associate masculinity with everything I’m not. Is this a lack of self-acceptance, or am I maybe missing something? That’s the end of paragraph, so you can go ahead and answer that if you wish.
ELIAS: Very well, and you are correct. This ties into this subject matter quite efficiently, for we are speaking of the acceptance of self and your assessment of yourself, and your presentment of yourself in relation to another individual and how that individual may perceive you. Therefore, in an expression of protection of self, you move into an expression of a type of camouflage.
Now; hear what I am expressing to you, for camouflage is what it expresses that it is. It is a covering, and it is an efficient covering to allow you to deceive yourself, in a manner of speaking.
Now; the camouflage that is projected within your thoughts is that you assess that you desire or hold an attraction for an individual that you identify as the expression of masculinity, and that this shall be fulfilling to you, for you perceive yourself not to be this type of expression.
Now; this holds significance in this equation, so to speak, of the acceptance of self. For in actuality, as you do express within yourself a tremendous sensitivity objectively, in your terms, and a tremendous expression of artistic qualities, engaging an individual that shares none of these objective expressions merely reinforces your lack of acceptance of self, for this perpetuates the circle of self in the devaluation of self by projecting outwardly to the other individual a lack of acceptance in an expression of impatience and frustration.
Now; this is camouflaged initially by your expression of physical attraction. Therefore, what I am expressing to you is that initially you create a thought process – which also translates into feelings, desirous feelings – in which you create a physical attraction to a certain personality type which you assess is opposite to yourself.
And therefore, your assessment is that it shall be complementing your expression and balancing your expression by adding to your expression that which you view you lack. Are you following?
JOSEPH: Yes, I am. Thank you.
ELIAS: Moment, please, as I continue.
In this, you continue to set a direction within your attraction, evaluating that as you magnate to individuals that objectively, overtly display behaviors and qualities that you define as ultimately masculine, you compensate, in a manner of speaking, your lack of expression of these qualities within self.
Now; let me also express to you that this is a mass belief in ...
JOSEPH: What is the mass belief?
ELIAS: ... in the identification of what is the acceptable expression that identifies or defines masculinity.
JOSEPH: Okay, thank you.
ELIAS: In this, you do not express objectively or physically certain qualities that may be identified as masculine expressions, but you do hold these qualities within you. It is a choice not to be expressing of those qualities, for within your choice of direction in this focus, you deem them not to be efficient in....
JOSEPH: Excuse me. How far back does that choice go? Does it go back ... did I make that choice before I came into this focus, in preparing for it, or did I make it when I was a baby, or did I make it when I was a young child of five or six?
ELIAS: This choice has been engaged prior to your manifestation in this focus ...
JOSEPH: Thank you.
ELIAS: ... recognizing that your expression of creativity will be served well in the allowance of qualities which you express, and not obscured by the expressions of mass belief systems. Are you understanding?
JOSEPH: Yes. One other little question. Is this choice we’re talking about the same thing as my perception of my identity as female that I’ve had since I was very young, the desire for being female? Are we talking about the same thing?
ELIAS: Partially. It is an identification of those qualities that you identify within mass belief systems associated with gender.
Now; in this, I shall also express to you that proceeding in the direction of creating this type of attraction to individuals that display qualities objectively that are in extreme difference to yourself moves you into an inner conflict and frustration, for this blocks your ease in the expression that you automatically create in your creativity.
JOSEPH: I’m not quite sure how it blocks, but continue.
ELIAS: There is an objective physical desire to be compliant with the other individual and the direction that they move in, in the expression of their masculinity. Therefore, you merely perpetuate your discounting of self in the attempt to be moving in directions that present yourself as submissive to another individual.
JOSEPH: Okay, a question. Are you saying that this conflict is all about my attempt or my nature of trying to become masculine when I’m in contact with these men to please them, and at the same time I must be myself, which is just the opposite?
ELIAS: What I am expressing to you is that you are not attempting to be expressing yourself in more of a direction of what you identify as masculinity, but you discount yourself and view that you are not expressing yourself adequately, for you DO not express these qualities of masculinity. Therefore, you seek out other individuals and you create an attraction to other individuals that express these masculine qualities, as if to be inserting vicariously those qualities into your expression. Now are you understanding?
JOSEPH: Partially. I think I would have to listen to that over and over on the tape to really get it.
ELIAS: Let me express to you, this all moves in relation to how you view yourself first, and in that expression, you move automatically in directions to be acquiring, so to speak, from outside of yourself those elements and qualities that may be expressed that you view are lacking within yourself.
JOSEPH: Isn’t that normal in human relationships? Isn’t that the usual path men and women seek – they’re opposites, they attract?
ELIAS: Ah! Now; let me express to you, in one area this may hold an element of validity, in your physical terms, or in how it appears, so to speak, within relationships. Surfacely, it may appear that individuals hold very opposite qualities.
But in actuality, individuals that speak different languages create tremendous conflict as they enter into intimate relationships, and in this, your expression physically of “opposites attract to each other” may be quite incorrect, for underlyingly, what shall create a foundation of the relationship and....
JOSEPH: Between opposite sexes?
ELIAS: No, not between different sexes or genders, so to speak, but between any individuals, regardless of gender.
ELIAS: The underlying language, as it is the same, creates much more of an ease.
Now; this is not to say that you may not be creating an intimate relationship with another individual that holds very different qualities to yourself, but I shall express to you that you shall engage much effort and much conflict initially in that type of a relationship.
Now; let me also express to you that you may be drawn to another individual that expresses very different behaviors or qualities and different directions of interests from yourself, and you may hold no conflict in a relationship with that individual as you allow yourself first to be familiarizing yourself with self and allowing yourself to be accepting of self. There are express differences in these types of creations.
If you are moving in the direction of attempting to be acquiring expressions that you view are lacking within yourself and inserting them into your reality through the expressions of another individual, I shall express to you that you are moving yourself in the direction of creating frustration and a tremendous expression of conflict.
For you shall create expectations with respect to the other individual and you shall place expectations upon yourself, and this shall create conflict, and your attention shall be diverted away from the ease of the flow of the creation of a relationship in intimacy and the sharing of experiences in partnership, and shall be moved into an expression of self and the other individual in judgment.
Therefore, I express to you that your movement into an evaluation of your own behavior – your own assessment and acceptance and worth of self first – shall be much more efficient in your drawing yourself into an intimate relationship. Are you understanding? (1)
JOSEPH: I am. Questions are coming into my mind at the same time. I guess I understand that I have to deal with my self-worth, my self-assessment, and my self-acceptance in order ... so the relationship won’t be conflictory. I guess one question is, if I achieve that, I still can’t have a relationship with someone very much the opposite of me?
ELIAS: I am not ex....
JOSEPH: ‘Cause it won’t be a happy one?
ELIAS: I am not expressing this to you.
JOSEPH: Okay, continue.
ELIAS: I am expressing to you to allow yourself to be examining self, and this shall allow you to recognize objectively your motivation in your movement presently and how you have created your movement pastly, and this shall also allow you the opportunity to move more efficiently futurely.
You may be drawn to an individual that expresses objectively quite differently from yourself, but also allow yourself to recognize the underlying expressions that you wish to draw yourself to in similarity; the foundation. You move yourself in a direction quite consistently in attempting to be magnating yourself to individuals that hold a different orientation from yourself.
JOSEPH: It’s intermediate usually, huh?
ELIAS: Many times you magnate yourself to individuals that hold the orientation of common.
ELIAS: And in this, your foundation, so to speak, is an expression of different languages, which in itself creates difficulty.
Now; be remembering, I am not expressing to you that this creates an impossibility in the area of relationships, but it shall create difficulty and conflict.
Within this time framework, I shall express to you quite bluntly in your physical language, your assessment of self and your acceptance of self is in what you may term to be quite a fragile state. Therefore, the introduction of outside conflict automatically moves in the direction of perpetuating your discounting of self.
JOSEPH: So in other words, having a relationship with the type of man I want automatically causes more difficulty with self-acceptance rather than helping me to work through that.
ELIAS: Presently, yes.
Now; I am not expressing to you that you need be altering your attraction, so to speak, in physical terms, to a certain type of individual.
What I AM expressing to you is that in your movement in turning your attention to self presently and offering yourself the attention, that you shall allow yourself to move into an expression of acceptance and you shall allow yourself a footing, so to speak, in that acceptance first ... shall create movement within you in which you shall allow yourself to be accepting of other individuals without frustration and without discounting of yourself.
Look to what we have discussed previously and what you have created to this point. Look to the reality of what you have created previously, and how this movement DOES perpetuate your discounting of yourself. (Pause)
JOSEPH: Elias, is ... then will my attraction continue and will a relationship be ultimately developed with the type of man that I’m attracted to, but it’ll only be satisfactory after I’ve really gone through all the process of self-acceptance?
ELIAS: Let me express to you, Dainel....
JOSEPH: Or will I want to have a relationship with a different type of man?
ELIAS: Let me offer to you, Dainel, that your attraction may alter slightly. Objectively, you may continue to be physically attracted to certain types of expressions, but you may also allow yourself to be drawn to individuals that express not merely these qualities of masculinity, but also the display of certain qualities that you identify as an attribute of female gender.
Mind you, this identification of qualities of female gender are a belief, but within the context of our discussion and within the context of your beliefs presently, as you allow yourself to be accepting of self and as you allow yourself to be expressing more fully of yourself, you may alter your attraction to be incorporating more qualities within another individual as objectively expressed, in that they may incorporate these expressions of masculinity, but also express interest in your expressions without a discounting of them and without your expression of submission; in your creativity.
JOSEPH: Elias, excuse me. Can I interrupt on that? I want to read two paragraphs that I’ve written here that I’m sure that you can tie in with the discussion that we’ve just been having, the things that you’ve just been telling me.
ELIAS: You may.
JOSEPH: Here’s the first paragraph. I also wonder about all the pressure that sex exerts on my life. As best as I can tell from available evidence, it doesn’t seem like others give as much attention to sex as I do. Is that my consciousness trying to push me to stop discounting myself and start accepting myself? I also wonder if meeting that challenge will cause the emphasis on sex to drop out of my life. I might have chosen an unusual body for this focus, one over-saturated with hormones. I wonder if this essence that I’m a part of set sex aside in the other focuses in which to concentrate on the sexual experience mainly in this focus.
Next paragraph. Furthermore, I wonder about a number of features of my sex drive. One is its breadth. I’m attracted to men in wretched circumstances, and others who are in much happier circumstances. I’m attracted to healthy men and sick men. I’m attracted to young men and very aged men in nursing homes. I’m attracted to obese men and tiny men, handsome men and quite otherwise. There’s always someone I have at least a slight attraction for. Again, I know the attraction is to the masculinity. Is there more that I’m not seeing?
Okay, answer me, please!
ELIAS: (Grinning) Very well! I shall express to you that you offer yourself an example in this of how you are discounting of yourself, for let us view your very assessment.
I shall express to you that you display merely an appreciation and a value objectively of individuals manifest within this gender, which is in quite in alignment with your creativity and your appreciation of aesthetics. You merely are allowing yourself to view the wonder and the beauty of the manifestations within your physical dimension, and allow yourself an expression of appreciation in all forms!
Now; also view how you are discounting of this wondrous expression that you create, in that you express to myself the questioning, if there may be some element within you that is wrong! You may be over-saturated with hormones, or you are over-occupying your thoughts in this particular focus with an element of sexuality! Ha ha ha!
I express to you that you may allow yourself to recognize that you are merely allowing yourself within this focus to be appreciating of the tremendous diversity and expression of physical form and of creation and of its different expressions of creativity in this particular focus, and how wondrous is that in your focus!
Do not be discounting of yourself and looking to yourself to be finding an element that is wrong with what you express, for it is merely a heightened recognition, in this particular focus, of aesthetics. And what shall be wrong in that expression?
JOSEPH: You know, that reminds me of something I didn’t include in the written questions I had. I often wonder if I’m just enjoying life more by having more appreciation of men than other people have of whatever sex they like.
ELIAS: Quite! Therefore, why shall you discount this? Ha ha ha!
JOSEPH: I have to keep reminding myself of that, I think, because I think earlier, religion made guilty of this, and I still haven’t completely recovered from that.
ELIAS: Express to yourself the joyous wonder of your appreciation, and how glorious this is in its manifestation!
JOSEPH: That’s wonderful! (Elias chuckles)
ELIAS: I shall be quite encouraging of you in this, and as you continue to allow yourself to view the wondrousness of this type of expression, you shall also allow yourself much more of a freedom within your expression, and allow yourself fun! Ha ha!
JOSEPH: Well, that’s very interesting! (Laughing)
ELIAS: We shall be continuing to be encouraging of fun and pleasure!
JOSEPH: Hmm. (Pause) I have two other questions, then.
ELIAS: Very well.
JOSEPH: I notice the desire to care for others is very strong with me. I’ve done a little of that, and those situations have passed out of my life.
I would especially like caring for a man that is sexually attracted to me, even if the love is expressed only in washing and feeding him, not in having sex acts. Lack of time for that partially explains why such a relationship has never entered my life. Perhaps helping others is being left for other aspects of myself, such as a counterpart?
ELIAS: You do engage counterpart action with other individuals that express in this manner.
But I shall also suggest to you that a motivational factor in this particular expression within your focus is a belief that this is a manifestation objectively of outward care and love for another individual, that if you are expressing in these types of manners, it shall be obvious to other individuals the extent in which you feel the caring and lovingness that you do.
This is a very strong mass belief. Many individuals align with this particular aspect of belief systems and are creating objectively of this same type of motivation within their individual focuses. For within your societies and your mass belief systems, it is accepted that if you are expressing love and care and compassion for another individual, that this shall be displayed in objective physical terms, and this shall be the measure of your affection, so to speak, or your appreciation. It is not necessarily the expression of the measure of your appreciation or affection, but it is accepted as that in conjunction with the mass belief systems.
JOSEPH: I’ve got another thing I want to talk to you about. For about a decade, I’ve had an extreme problem with being able to relax. Tension, pain, and headaches develop during the day, usually at work. A few years ago I discovered how to help myself. At the start of the day, I repeat the expectation that I will stay relaxed and pain will not develop, and obviously it works, but I have to keep meditating day after day to stay relaxed. My questions are, why do I develop pain in the first place, and second, why can’t I stop these? Why are these nonstop efforts required to prevent the headaches, or why can’t I solve the problem once and for all?
ELIAS: This repeated action is not required. Now; this also moves in the direction of which we are speaking this day, in the expression of self-acceptance.
At different time periods, you begin tensing physically. You move energy within your individual energy field and you begin to hold to your energy tighter and tighter, and this you translate into a tensing within your physical body, and you place the energy expression into an affectingness of physical muscle tissue, and as you create this action, you also create physical pain.
Now; you recognize that you are creating this tensing, and you also objectively recognize that you may dissipate this by incorporating intentional relaxation.
I shall express to you that as you continue to be moving into the expression of acceptance of self, you shall also begin more and more automatically relaxing your energy, and therefore you shall create an automatic byproduct in which you shall not be creating this tensing of your energy.
You create this action in time frameworks in which you are automatically, underlyingly beginning doubtfulness and an expression of devaluing of self within your abilities, in many different types of expressions – that you may not be accomplishing efficient enough, fast enough, adequately enough.
In these expressions – that you are not incorporating within your thoughts, but you are automatically incorporating within your energy underlyingly – you automatically begin this tensing physically.
JOSEPH: What if I kept telling myself this throughout the day? I wouldn’t be contradicting, would I, if I kept telling myself that I am adequate, I am working fast enough, I am doing well?
ELIAS: Temporarily you may be engaging this activity if you are choosing, and it may be helpful to you.
I shall express to you that you need not be continuing this action of objective affirmation for extended time framework, for in that action, you shall merely be replacing the engagement of intentional relaxation with the engagement of the affirmations.
But I shall express to you, temporarily you may be engaging that type of affirmation, and it may be beneficial to you.
JOSEPH: Okay. Elias, I’m sure you’re able to know how I’ve been trying to work on my self-acceptance since the last time I talked with you, which is about four weeks ago, and I was wondering if I’ve made significant progress, a tiny bit of progress? Is it something you could point to, where I could do more than I realize I can?
ELIAS: Ha ha! I shall express to you that you are allowing yourself more of an openness and you are engaging more of a familiarity with self, which is allowing you to be incorporating more of an expression of acceptance of self.
I shall express to you also that this, within the expression of your beliefs, shall not be accomplished instantaneously, but you ARE creating movement.
The most significant expression of this movement is that you are allowing yourself an openness now to self, and this creates a willingness to be moving into a noticing of different behaviors and expressions that you have been creating and a willingness to be loosening your hold upon those expressions of energy, which opens the door, so to speak, into new areas of acceptance and allows you a new exploration of freedom.
JOSEPH: Thank you, Elias. There are quite a few more paragraphs that I want to deal with, but the time is up, so we’ll have to leave it for another time. I’ve really taken up the most urgent things, the things I deem the most important to talk to you about, and I appreciate your ideas and your help, et cetera.
ELIAS: Very well. We shall continue futurely, and I shall continue to be encouraging of you, and I shall be offering an expression of energy to you in this interim time framework that you identify physically “until our next meeting.” Be encouraged, my friend, and allow yourself fun!
JOSEPH: (Laughing) Well, thank you, Elias, and good-bye.
ELIAS: You are very welcome. Ha ha! I express to you this day in affection, au revoir.
Elias departs at 11:13 AM.
(1) I have changed two word in the following phrase: “...your own assessment and acceptance and worth of self first...” Elias said, “...your own assessment of accessment and worth of self first...”
© 1999 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.