Tuesday, November 20, 2001
“Parents and Teenagers: Anger, Expectations, Roles, Gender”
Participants: Mary (Michael) and Neal (Vasage).
Elias arrives at 2:45 PM. (Arrival time is 20 seconds.)
ELIAS: Good afternoon!
NEAL: Good afternoon, Elias. It’s good to speak with you once again.
ELIAS: Ha ha! And how shall we proceed?
NEAL: I thought I would leave most of the session up to you (Elias chuckles), as I just wanted to speak with you. I know you’re around, I know you’re with me, I know you join us on the weekends when I do my program, so I just thought you would proceed from there.
ELIAS: Very well, shall you choose a subject matter?
NEAL: Yes. Let’s start with my daughter, my daughter Amber. Our relationship is challenging, to say the least. I know she’s reflecting back to me my beliefs, but I’d like some help in that I can move forward in our relationship together.
ELIAS: Very well, and first of all, express to myself the nature of your concern in what you generate.
NEAL: I feel that I have a closer connection with my sons than I do with my daughter, and I want to nurture my daughter as best I can. It seems to be that we’re always at loggerheads with each other. There are no small upsets; everything is a big upset.
ELIAS: Very well. Express to myself in any particular moment that you generate these conflicts, what are you noticing concerning YOUR expression?
NEAL: I find that in those situations I’m almost immediately to anger, and while I understand that she is expressing to me, mirroring my own beliefs, they’re of a nature that I just can’t seem to move into trust in the value of myself in those situations.
ELIAS: Very well. Therefore you identify that one expression that you view clearly is that you create an automatic response of anger.
Let me express to you first of all, interacting with another individual and viewing that interaction as a reflection of yourself is in itself a quite unfamiliar action; therefore it may be quite challenging. In situations in which you view conflict to be being expressed, it is more challenging. For the automatic response is to be viewing the other individual in a familiar manner, that you are interacting with another individual entirely and that what the other individual is expressing is being generated by them: you are not creating their choices, you are not creating their reality, therefore what is being expressed is separate and apart from yourself.
Even in attempting to view the other individual’s expression as a reflection of yourself somehow, the association remains that this is an expression outside of yourself, and beliefs concerning what you express in controlling what you may not control are quite strongly associated with. For in addition to recognizing that you do not create other individuals’ choices, you also underlyingly – and at times not so underlyingly – express within yourself that you do not control another individual or their expressions or behaviors, and therefore you attempt to force your energy and your perception into an expression of acceptance, which is in actuality futile for you are attempting to be accepting of some expression that is perceived to be generated outside of yourself that you incorporate no control over.
Now; remember control also is an aspect of beliefs, and in actuality there is no expression of control or, in actuality, the lack of control. This is an illusion in itself. But in relation to interaction with another individual, as I have expressed previously, what is actually occurring is that you ARE interacting with the other individual’s ENERGY expression. Therefore there IS an exchange that is occurring.
But what is being created in relation to the actual projection of the other individual in a physical expression is created through your perception, and this is a key point. For the other individual is not merely reflecting to you; you are creating the reflection, for you are creating the interaction which is occurring between yourself and the other individual. I am recognizing that this, in this time framework, is a difficult concept to be inserting into actual objective reality. But nonetheless, this is the manner in which you create objective interaction and imagery.
Now; in this, as you recognize that you are interacting in conflict and you allow yourself to recognize an emotional signal of anger, you are offering yourself information. In the moment that you are experiencing this signal, this feeling of anger, what you are expressing to yourself is [that] in that moment you are offering yourself no choices. This is the extreme of frustration. You are expressing a blocking of your view of yourself, and therefore you are blocking your opportunity to view any of your choices.
Now; the significant information to pay attention to is what YOU generate within yourself, to allow yourself to examine your automatic associations with certain expressions. What are you generating within self which creates a threat? What are you perceiving in difference which creates the threat? Allowing yourself to identify what is actually being generated within self is the manner in which you shall offer yourself choice and therefore not continue to express automatic responses which, as I have stated previously, are precisely that, they are automatic. They require no thought process and they are immediate, but they also create a movement in which you lock yourself into an expression of only one choice, the automatic expression. And although this is a choice, it is merely one choice. Therefore you are not allowing yourself the freedom to view what other choices you incorporate.
Now; allowing yourself to evaluate your own expressions and allowing yourself in that evaluation to discover the nature of the threat shall allow you to become more familiar with what you are denying within self, and in that discovery, what the other individual chooses matters not, for in this you allow yourself the opportunity to turn your attention to you.
Now; in this you are expressing a want. You express to myself that you WANT to be creating an interaction with this individual in less conflict and more of an ease. First of all, recognize what you expressed to myself as a motivation. You expressed you want to be creating a relationship with this individual that shall be more nurturing and understanding with this individual. Now hear what you have expressed.
You are projecting your attention even in your expression of your want to the other individual and holding your attention upon the other individual. What you may question within yourself is what do YOU want to be generating in relation to yourself? Do you want to be more nurturing and understanding within self and therefore as a natural by-product express this outwardly to other individuals also?
ELIAS: But in actuality, although it may be an element of what you are expressing, there are many more expressions and associations with beliefs that are occurring in this situation that you are generating. One is an underlying association with gender as being almost two different species which speak different languages. (Neal chuckles) This is an association with mass beliefs that you align with. Another is your association in beliefs concerning the roles of parents and children. Another is an association with beliefs concerning behaviors associated with certain ages of children.
You also deny yourself the opportunity to create a relationship in the manner in which you want for you incorporate associations with beliefs and rules concerning intimate relationships and compartmentalizing them, creating separations. You may be creating an intimate relationship with certain individuals and not necessarily with others, for it is unacceptable. This also is in association with the roles of parent and child and in association with gender.
Therefore, my friend, I may express to you, in this one subject matter you have generated quite a glistening web of beliefs that are affecting in how you interact with this individual – not merely one. (Chuckles)
Now; although you have created this wondrous web – ha ha ha! – fear not, for all hope is not lost! (Laughs) The untangling of the web may begin in paying attention to you and in recognizing in the first step, so to speak, that what you want is to be creating an intimate relationship with this individual. In identifying that as a want, you may offer yourself permission to begin creating that, and the manner in which you begin creating that is to genuinely turn your attention to self and HOLD your attention within self in the time frameworks in which you are actually interacting with this individual.
Pay attention to what YOU are generating; it matters not what the other individual is expressing. What holds significance is your translation of that projection and your interaction with it and what you choose in relation to it. For how YOU interact with the energy expression determines what shall be physically created in actual manifestation.
Therefore, even within a situation in which you may be perceiving that you approach this individual in what you term to be a lighthearted manner and friendly, so to speak, and you perceive the other individual to be flinging energy towards you in what you assess as a quite negative expression, as the energy is expressed to you it is your choice how you interact with that and what you create in relation to your perception.
One manner of examination of what you are generating and where your perception is moving is to be allowing yourself in any particular moment to notice and examine what you are experiencing and expressing to yourself as threatening in that moment. Shall you attempt to offer one example and attempt to identify your association with threat? (Pause)
NEAL: It would be that I’m not enough as a single parent, but a lot of it has to do with also what you mentioned about being unable to communicate with my daughter. But I would say that what I would feel as the core at this moment would be that I’m not enough.
ELIAS: Let us examine more specifically. This that you have expressed is quite general.
Now; in examination of this interaction, offer to myself one example of an actual interaction of conflict, and we shall examine it together.
NEAL: All right. She came home late one night. She’d been with a friend of hers and she was with her brother as well. They were out late. They usually call if something happens, if they’re with a friend. It turns out that her friend had run away and they had to track her down; she didn’t want to go home. And when I asked them where they were, the energy was like everything was hurt and as if I didn’t feel ... they didn’t feel I deserved an explanation.
So when I just tried to question them on where they were and what they’d been doing, who they’d been with, and just reminding them that they need to call just to let me know where they are, she immediately ran from that to how much she dislikes living with me and how she just wants to move out, and why can’t I let her move out now, go to a friend’s house. At that point I tried to walk away. I walked away upstairs, and she followed me and just screamed louder, just the same things over and over again, moving into how much she hates me and how she can’t wait to get out.
ELIAS: Very well. In this example, let us examine what is occurring. You have incorporated rules and you also incorporate an expectation concerning the behavior of these children that they shall or should comply with these rules. (1) I am not expressing to you a judgment of good or bad, I am merely expressing to you an identification of what is being expressed. Are you understanding? (Pause) In this, as you perceive that the expectation has not been met and the individuals return and interact with you, your initial expression is to be questioning with the expectation of an explanation.
Now; in this, your thought process and your perception of what you are generating in that moment is reasonable and acceptable and quite within the guidelines of the role of the parent. Therefore, in your assessment, there should be an acceptance of this [by] the other individual and there should be a compliance by the other individual without conflict. It should be merely an exchange of information. BUT there is an energy expressed.
Now; let me express to you, regardless of what any individual may be expressing in language and verbal communication within a particular moment, what is recognized immediately by the other individual is the energy which is being expressed.
Energy is real. Energy is expressed and energy is received in communication immediately between individuals, and it is translated more accurately and precisely than language. Therefore, once again there is great significance in paying attention to self and what you are actually generating. For in this, you may perceive yourself to be incorporating words and a tone that may be neutral, but your energy may be expressing quite differently, and this IS recognized.
Now; what is occurring in this situation is a strong expression of expectations which is being projected to the other individual.
Now; let us turn this situation and view it in a different angle. Let us view you. What is your response in a moment in which you recognize the energy of another individual and you recognize that the other individual is expressing an expectation of you? What is your response?
NEAL: Off the top of my head it would probably still be anger.
ELIAS: Quite, for you are recognizing this expression of energy. Regardless of what is being verbally communicated, within the expression of energy you recognize the expectation, which creates immediate limitation. It creates an immediate association of a lack of trust. It creates an immediate response of resistance, for the immediate association is that you are not being offered – or are not allowing, in actuality – but in your association you are not being offered choice.
NEAL: Got it.
ELIAS: In paying attention to you and not projecting your attention outwardly and holding it upon the other individual, you genuinely do alter your expressions and you genuinely do create a different reality, for you turn your perception.
In expressing that you want to be creating an intimate relationship with another individual, regardless of who the other individual is, what are you ACTUALLY expressing? Not that you want the other individual to express themselves in a particular manner, not that you want to be receiving specific expressions and behaviors from the other individual – these are expectations.
In genuinely wanting to create an intimate relationship with another individual, what you are in actuality expressing to yourself is the desire to be expressing yourself, generating expressions of appreciation and affection in freedom, without limitations and without expectation. You are expressing that YOU want to be expressing this energy outwardly, not that you want the other individual to express this. For in allowing yourself to express this, you shall automatically generate that outwardly and therefore it shall be responded to. This is an automatic by-product of your expression.
Therefore, this is a movement of turning your attention and recognizing that it is not a question of what you want FROM another individual, but what you want to express yourself in freedom, recognizing that you do NOT want to block your expression, you do not want to restrict your expression, you do not want to deny your expression. You do not want to express to yourself, “No, stop.” What you want is to express to yourself, “Yes, allow.”
Now; in this, in your example – continuing – you also express that as you recognize this resistance in the other individual’s energy, your choice was to be moving away.
NEAL: Yes, got it.
ELIAS: Now; you express to myself your want to be creating intimacy in relationship with this individual, and what do you choose? You choose to move away; you remove yourself. And what is the expression of the other individual? To follow, to continue interaction with you; be it what you perceive to be negative or not, the individual continues the interaction. And what is the individual expressing? This is the reflection my friend; pay attention. The other individual is expressing, “I want to move away. I want not to be interacting with you.” And what are you doing? What are you choosing? To be moving away, to not be interacting. This is your reflection.
This is the significance of paying attention to you and what you are generating, and examining what you want. I am not discounting your recognition of influences of beliefs and associations that you generate with regard to yourself in the role of a parent and your ability to be creating that effectively. I am recognizing of your discounting of yourself and the expectations that you express of yourself.
I am also recognizing how you restrict yourself in relation to this one individual, and as I have expressed to you this day, one very strong influencing belief concerns gender. In not incorporating a family unit with another parent, a female parent, you create strong limitations in association with yourself in expressions of a lack of understanding: this individual incorporates a different gender, and you do not incorporate an understanding of this gender and the functioning of it or the associations of it; as I have stated, almost in association with another species, and you are not. Let me express to you quite definitely and quite simply my friend, gender is merely a physical manifestation incorporating a function. It is NOT an association with perception. You do not speak different languages. You both incorporate beliefs, quite similar beliefs. You both associate with energy expressions. You both pay attention to energy expressions – of each other, but not of self. Merely that you incorporate different genders matters not.
There are many beliefs associated with gender within your physical dimension which create many expressions of separation. They also create expressions of separation in relation to roles. In allowing yourself to move outside of the association of roles, my friend, you may offer yourself much more freedom in interaction with this individual. For other than expectations that you place upon yourself in relation to roles, you also incorporate many judgments upon self in relation to your role, and you allow for an expression of fear of what other individuals’ perceptions may be concerning your role and your expression of it, and that creating an intimate relationship in these roles of father and daughter may be suspect.
In allowing yourself permission to move outside of the automatic association of the roles, you may begin allowing yourself to interact as individuals. You are not in competition, my friend. You also are not shaping this individual. You are not guiding, you are not shaping, you are not molding. You are presenting an example, and what example are you presenting? You are not presenting an example as to what the other individual should be. You are presenting an example of self as a fellow individual, and what example do you want to present? An example of an individual that incorporates trust and acceptance, one that incorporates an attention upon self and generates an appreciation for all that you create? Or shall you present an example of restriction, expectations, judgment and fear? It is your choice.
The other individual is creating their reality. In terms of shaping or guiding, they provide themselves with these actions. You are fellow travelers. You are generating the same movement in your own unique individual expressions, and the movement is exploring. And what are you exploring? You are exploring your reality. You are exploring self. She is exploring the very same as you. (Pause)
What I may express to you also, in a recognition of difference between energy expressed and verbal communication, in this one example I may express to you that although the verbal communication of this individual to you is “I do not want interaction with you. I want to move away,” the choice of what is actually created and what is actually being generated in action and in energy expression is the reverse: “I want to be in interaction with you and I am following.” This is the action that is incorporated, which is the actual choice.
Let me express to you, my friend, it matters not how many times the individual may express to you, “I wish not to be in interaction with you. I wish to move away.” This is not what is being chosen. This is not the action that is being incorporated.
If this was the genuine choice, it would occur. Regardless of your actions, regardless of your choices, if she is choosing to not be incorporating interaction with you, to not be occupying the same dwelling as yourself, she shall not be, for this is HER choice. But this is not what is being generated.
And I may also express to you, my friend, there is a payoff in this situation. The payoff, although uncomfortable for you both, is attention. Now in recognizing choice in paying attention to self, you may allow yourself to choose to offer yourself permission to incorporate that attention without the conflict, for this is not the only manner in which you may express attention to each other. But we are speaking of you; therefore, remember in this to pay attention to YOU and to what YOU are expressing.
NEAL: Thank you.
ELIAS: You are quite welcome, my friend.
NEAL: You gave me a lot to look at. (Elias chuckles) I want to thank you for that.
ELIAS: You are quite welcome. Do not discount yourself, my friend, and do not judge yourself; but allow yourself to incorporate this information as an opportunity to generate new choices.
NEAL: I will. I can’t thank you enough for this.
ELIAS: You are very welcome, my friend. And I express to you, I am always at your disposal, so to speak. (Chuckles)
NEAL: I look forward to the next time we can talk.
ELIAS: Very well. I offer to you great encouragement and shall continue to express my energy with you. In great affection, my friend, au revoir.
NEAL: Au revoir, Elias.
Elias departs at 3:51 PM.
(1) This originally was stated: “You have incorporated roles which you also incorporate an expectation concerning the behavior of these children that they shall or should comply with these roles.”
© 2001 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.