Sunday, January 21, 2001
MARY: Well, here we are! (Laughing) This is an unusual experience for me, because Iíve never really done this before without it being a prelude to the dead guy talking. So this is kind of weird! But I did choose a direction to go in; I think what Iím going to do is relate some of my experiences that I have had in the last few months, and tell you what Iíve come up with, and then maybe we can talk about it.
I have been in a relationship with someone for three years now, and a couple of months ago we separated. That experience was really difficult for me. I really, really value my relationship with this person. I love this person very much. Iím extremely close to this person, and I was really devastated when this happened.
The process that I went through in relation to that event was really interesting. I think it can relate to a lot of different situations, not just relationships. Itís an easy example that probably everybody can relate to and understand.
When this first happened, my partner had an affair with someone else. I was just trashed, and I went in the usual direction that everybody goes in. Do not think for a minute that just because I do what I do that Iím immune to doing the same things that everybody else does, because I do. I went into the pissed-off angry thing, and blaming and feeling very hurt and being very accusing. At one point I went into real bitch/witch mode, and was ranting and raving, and ďyou donít even want to be around me, because I am hateful and evil right now, and all I want to do is kill you!Ē (Laughter)
I went from that into a worse place, in my thinking, which was going into the ďbash self mode.Ē I stayed in that mode for a good long time. In fact, I didnít think I was going to come out of that mode. I was digging my way to China and not giving myself ANY place to grab hold and pull myself up. I went in the direction of what did I do wrong? Whatís wrong with me? Why doesnít this person love me? Oh my god, how could this happen! And I cried for a month, and Iím sure nobody wanted to be around me during that whole month. It was pretty awful.
During that time, things were very, very strained between my partner and me. We didnít have a whole lot of contact, and we didnít talk very much. It was just a generally nasty situation. For part of that time, she was still at home. We live in a big three-story house in Vermont and have the first floor and half of the second floor; we occupy half of this house.
In the beginning when I first found out about this, mixed in with the ďI hate you, this is awful!Ē and whatever, I was bouncing back and forth with, ďTry to be accepting, Mary. It doesnít matter.Ē (Laughter) Well, the accepting thing went right out the window, and I finally realized that that was NOT where I was, and why would I keep trying to push myself into being that when I wasnít that?
So, we decided to separate. But the way that we separated was a little different. We decided to separate our apartment by floors. I took the first floor, and she moved up to the second floor, but we were still in the same house.
I had talked to my friends, and nothing that they said was going in, nothing was helpful. It was just the most awful thing being there. When I was at the lowest, most awful, gross place that I could be in, I thought, ďWell, maybe I should read some of the material, go over it, and maybe Elias will have something for me.Ē And there was nothing. Great! (Laughter) This is just great! Here I am, almost six years into this, and I canít figure out what to DO with myself! I canít seem to relate to this material, and I donít know what Iím doing! Oh my god, Iíve got to do something!
So I tried to distract myself. That didnít work because I was with ME however I tried to distract myself! (Laughter) I tried not having any more contact with my partner. Well, that didnít work because sheís present with me all the time anyway! I thought, ďWell, maybe I should paint, and that will get me in another zone.Ē But I knew that I really needed to somehow process through this, and painting puts me in another zone somewhere. I donít think when I paint.
I decided that the most efficient way for me Ė just me Ė to really spend some time with myself was to do something physical that didnít require any thinking and that would allow me to think.
Part of this also has something to do with my soft orientation. Thereís a lot of movement going on all the time; not necessarily thoughts inside of me, but thereís a lot of stuff moving around all the time that creates a clutter. In order to give myself some sort of clarity when I need to, itís helpful for me to tune out some of it, or at least make it be quiet. A lot of times, making that subjective part quiet by concentrating on something objectively is helpful in not getting myself confused.
So I decided to make those little figures out of clay that probably most of you have seen over at Vickiís house. That required absolutely no thought on my part because I can do things like that with my hands, just be very visual, and I donít have to think about it.
While I was doing this project, I started to really think about some of the things that Elias has said, and I was thinking about them in a very different way. I started to think about him talking to all of you about how other people donít do things to you. Other people donít MAKE you feel what you feel. Emotion is not a reaction; itís a communication. You create everything in your reality, and everything that you face yourself with, every other person that you encounter, everything you do, is all your own perception.
And I started to think, what does all that mean? What IS my perception? What is it, a thing? If my emotions are a communication, what does THAT mean? What does it mean that other people donít do things to me, or that I donít feel things because of other people? Of course I feel things because of other people, because other people are doing things! How does that work?
I really, really started to think about it, and I started to ask myself different kinds of questions. I went in a direction at first of asking myself the same kinds of questions that we all ask all the time: what is the belief system thatís influencing me right now? What am I dealing with? What issue am I hanging on to? I discovered that those kinds of questions are easy to answer, because for the most part, most of us at this point have become accustomed to asking those questions. Theyíre very familiar, and theyíre easy to answer. I can immediately know Iím grappling with beliefs about relationships, about loyalty, about how people treat each other, about commitment, about monogamy, or this or that or whatever. Thatís easy! But then I thought, ďSO?Ē (Laughter) ďWhere do I go with that? What do I DO with that? Iíve identified all those things and what does that mean?Ē It doesnít mean anything. Itís flat; itís just nowhere.
If another person doesnít DO anything to me, if another person doesnít make me feel what Iím feeling, then where does this come from inside of me? What is it that Iím doing? That is an interesting question, because I donít think Iíve ever really asked myself those kinds of questions, not genuinely and really looking into myself and trying to discover what actually is going on and realizing that all these floods of feelings that I was having Ė and that kept happening Ė werenít happening because I was reacting to something. They werenít happening because of any of my partnerís choices. Something was happening inside of me, and I was trying to tell myself something about what I was actually doing Ė not necessarily about what I was thinking, but what I was DOING.
As I kept asking myself these different kinds of questions, I was very surprised that I started getting some real different answers. I started getting answers, period. I discovered that for me, personally Ė and I think for probably for most people Ė when I think about myself and creating my reality, I pretty much can give myself permission to create whatever I want as long as itís just me. As long as Iím the only one involved, thereís no limit, and I can create ANYTHING I want to create.
Then again, when it comes to me and any other person in the world, I had this concept inside of me that thereís a line between where I create some things and they create some things. Dependent upon what they choose to create, sometimes that tells me what I can and canít create.
I have heard Elias say for a very long time that other peopleís choices donít dictate your choices. I never really understood that, but I thought I did. On a surface level, I really thought I did. When somebody says something, you donít have to do it, or if somebody wants to do this over here, you donít have to agree. I wasnít letting other people dictate to ME what my choices were. I always make my own choices. And I discovered that that was a big ďNOT!Ē In a relationship, if my partner chooses to be spending time and creating a relationship with someone else, without any thought involved I automatically tell myself, ďNow I canít have what I want because this person chose something else, and thatís making my choice for me. I canít make my own choices anymore.Ē
That was a profound discovery for me, because that brought me to questioning how I really view creating my reality. Do I really create all of my reality? Do I let myself create all of my reality? Where are the places where I tell myself I canít? Where are the places that I tell myself Iím not allowed, I canít do this, or itís just impossible?
I thought about that a lot. I started to ask myself, why canít I have what I want? So I went back up to my little surface area and said, ďWell, because you just canít, Mary. When somebody else is choosing something else, you canít have that because this person is not going there anymore. What is it you want?Ē And I wanted to have a relationship with this person. I wanted to continue to interact with this person the way that I have for the last three years. I want to love this person. I want this person to love me. I wanted things to continue in the type of relationship that I had.
So I decided to test out this perception stuff, this stuff about itís all about me, itís all about what I create, and it doesnít matter what other people create. I thought about it, and I wondered how much of my relationship with people is really just my perception? How much of my relationship with anybody is what I think of as an actual participation between the two of us? Even if we are participating, how much of THAT is my perception of it?
How many times have I gone out to dinner, come home and talked about the experience there with the waitress or whatever, and the person Iím talking to says, ďThatís not what happened!Ē (Laughter) ďThe waitress didnít do that. Where were you, on another planet?Ē And I say, ďExcuse me, that IS what happened! Where were you?Ē Well, we were both in the same place, and we were both in the same experience, but we were both creating it our own selves through our own perceptions and in our own realities.
I can be sitting in a room with someone talking to them, the person physically gets up and walks out of the room, and my perception is that theyíre still listening to me. (Laughter) Iíve thought about THAT one, and think it must a cosmic joke with all the essences around. They look down at us and say, ďStupie down there! The person just walked out of the room, and theyíre not paying attention to you!Ē And Iíll follow the person out of the room, completely believing that they have heard every word Iíve said and are totally paying attention. I might talk to them the next day, and theyíll say, ďDid we talk about that? Oh, I donít remember that at all.Ē And what would have been my first clue Ė that the person walked out of the room? I donít go there. And a lot of us donít go there, because it is all about our own perception of things.
This is a tremendously powerful tool. It is a very powerful realization when you really genuinely start to understand that it IS all about me, I really am the center of the universe, and everything comes from me! Itís all about me! Every single one of you here is one of my creations! (Laughing) And itís all about YOU, because every single one of us is the center of the universe. Everything in our universe we create. That was incredibly powerful, but it was still just a concept.
I thought maybe I should test this out. I could see that I was creating exactly what I believed. I was creating exactly what I expected. I was allowing someone else to dictate to me what my choices may or may not be. I was allowing somebody else to make my choices, and that told me that I canít have what I want, and Iím not getting what I want. I was creating exactly what I believed and exactly what I expected.
So I turned it around to see if I could do it another way. Thatís scary, because we really DO have a perception about other people, that we arenít really creating all of our reality because the other people are creating their reality. I decided I was going to test it out; I was going to experiment in real life. Not just in my head, not just in thoughts and concepts and bounce them around, but I was really going to test it out and see what happens.
My partner stopped in one evening after work just to check in and see how I was doing because I was so mopey. Iíd usually just wave her off and say, ďIím crying, go away!Ē (Laughter) ďYou canít fix it. Part of me hates you anyway, so...Ē This was one of those evenings when she stopped in, expecting me to be crying again, and I wasnít. I walked up to her, and I said, ďIím going to tell you this because I need to hear myself say it out loud to solidify this inside of me, that Iím actually going to do it. Iím creating my own reality. Iím going to have what I want, and it doesnít matter what you do or what you choose, Iím doing it anyway.Ē (Clapping and laughter) Thatís not so easy! She just kind of shook her head at me and said, ďWhatever. Youíve really lost it now, havenít you? Okay, Mary, whatever.Ē I said, ďI just wanted to tell you that, so be prepared.Ē
Since that day, I have had to practice every day, and I have had big slips here and there. But the interesting thing is that it really does work. I gave myself permission to have what I want, and I do. Sheís still living upstairs, but she might as well be downstairs, too, because weíre always in the same space. We have a deeper friendship now than when we were quote/unquote ďpartners.Ē Sheís still seeing this other person, which is fine because it doesnít have anything to do with me. Itís not one of my choices. Itís one of her choices, and it doesnít have anything to do with me because itís not in my reality! (Laughing) But SHE is in my reality and continues to be, and we continue to have the same type of relationship that we have had for the last three years, and itís great.
We have perks with it now because we donít have conflict. We donít fight with each other. Weíre not in competition with each other, and we are allowing each other to just choose what each of us wants to choose without holding onto the other person. I think that she is creating something very similar to what I am creating. For me, itís become much easier interacting with her because Iím no longer worried about what sheís doing, and my attention is no longer on her.
It sounds kind of weird, because how can you keep your attention on you and interact with someone else? But you genuinely can, because itís not about the other person, itís about you! The other person IS you, because itís YOUR perception of the other person. When you stop concentrating on this projection thatís out there and just pay attention to your own self and what youíre doing, it becomes a whole lot easier, and thereís a whole lot of freedom in that. Things just start to flow.
I have to tell you, I still have many moments where Iím watching the actual interaction that goes on between my partner and me. I catch myself saying, ďAm I delusional? Is this really happening? Am I just making this up? Do I just THINK this is happening, or is it REALLY happening?Ē But it really IS happening. Itís just so unfamiliar, because this isnít the way that we think. I mean, how many of you right here in this room with a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a friend or anybody really believe that you can have exactly what you want in that relationship, and it doesnít matter what the other person chooses? And you donít have to have an agreement Ė you donít.
And it works! It really does work. The problem is, we donít give ourselves permission to do that because we donít believe we can. We donít believe that we have that kind of power. Even if we let ourselves question whether we have that kind of power, itís a really scary thing: ďOh my god, you mean I really am that powerful? But I canít tell anybody that Iím THAT powerful because theyíll lock me up, or theyíll think Iím nuts!Ē
Iím not really clear yet on how this all works. I am very clear that it DOES work. I am very clear that as long as any of us are concentrating our attention on another person or on other things, they continue to be exactly what we expect, and we donít often get what we want.
This is something that is reflected in all kinds of things. It doesnít have to even be another person. It could be your car and getting all pissed off because your car breaks. ďI didnít create that, the car created it. Now I have to go fix it, and I canít have what I want because Iím not giving myself permission to create that, and I really donít trust my own ability to create that. I canít just look at that car and say, ĎUnbreak yourself! Pump that tire back up!í because I donít have that power. I donít have the ability to do that.Ē But we really do Ė and we convince ourselves all the time that we donít.
Itís hard to stay in that place of trusting that youíre actually doing it, and that you ARE creating it, and that youíre not delusional. Itís hard even when you see it right in front of your face.
I had been watching my interaction and relationship with my partner turn, and I thought I would take this a step further and see how well I could manipulate my own reality. I decided I would create that sheíd spend the night with me, and weíd be close with each other and intimate, or whatever. And it happened, and we did. We did spend the night together, and it was wonderful. We spent all day together, and it was wonderful. It was really a beautiful experience. But the next day I was moping and down in the dumps, and I asked myself, ďWhy am I doing this?Ē I instantly realized it was because I didnít really believe that I was doing this! I was still trying to get something that I thought I didnít have. But I DID have it, and there it was right in front of my face, and I still didnít believe it!
I thought, ďGod, I am just really BAD!Ē If I could materialize an apple in my hand, Iíd say, ďOh well, itís not a real apple. Let me do it again and make sure I did that right! Maybe I just THINK itís an apple in my hand, or maybe itís got the wrong molecular structure and will poison me if I eat it or something.Ē
It doesnít even matter what we create, weíre so steeped in our automatic responses with our beliefs, and we are so in denial of our own choices and our own ability to materialize those choices, that even when we do it we donít believe weíre doing it, and we question it, and we keep thinking we have to go get it out there. ďItís not here, with me. I still have to get it.Ē
CATHY: Can we ask questions yet?
MARY: Yes! I would really like that!
CATHY: So, everything that you said makes sense to me. But what would happen if you also had the belief in monogamy, and you were having this whole scenario happen? How does that work?
MARY: Iím starting to discover that I have lots of beliefs going on at the same time that may not be in harmony with each other. They may be actually opposite of each other, but I choose one as dominant over another. As Iím allowing myself to change my perception of things by concentrating on what Iím creating, those conflicting or opposite beliefs move into a position of not being so conflicting anymore.
I do have a pretty strong belief in monogamy. But in concentrating only on me and my choices, it doesnít matter if my partner is not choosing monogamy because all Iím concerned with is what Iím choosing and what Iím doing, and I am creating that. Iím creating the monogamy. I may be interacting with friends or going out to a party or having fun or whatever, but I am very focused on just this one person, and thatís the direction that I go in. It doesnít matter anymore to me what sheís choosing or whether sheís going to be monogamous or not, because her choice doesnít really have anything to do with me. Itís my choice that creates my perception, and thatís whatís the most affecting thing.
As long as I continue to pay attention to what Iím choosing, a lot of the things that other people do are not so affecting of me anymore, because Iím starting to realize that itís not about that. Why should I be upset or why should I feel hurt if the other person is choosing to not be monogamous? Thatís not MY choice. Theyíre not doing it to me. Theyíre not even involving me in their choice to not be monogamous.
In my perception, if Iím creating monogamy while Iím with that person, I AM creating a monogamous relationship! Iím not with that person when the person is with someone else. It doesnít need to affect me, and itís not affecting me, anyway. Itís only my own perception of it that is affecting me. The other person isnít making choices for me. Theyíre not creating anything in my reality, anyway.
LOU: It allows a great freedom for yourself.
MARY: It really genuinely does. It opens up a whole new world because it eliminates a tremendous amount of conflict where other people are concerned. That doesnít mean that I donít continue to love and care about other people and interact with them. It certainly doesnít mean that 24/7 I am thinking, ďIím really not talking to you, Iím talking to me, or Iím talking to my own projection of you.Ē I donít think that! I look at each person, and Iím talking to that person. Each person is individual in my association and in my perception, still.
But at the same time, in some bizarre strange way, Iíve also become aware that even though I still hold this belief that each one of you are NOT me, each one of you are all your own people, thereís another thing there now where I have a real awareness that it doesnít matter that youíre each your own people, because Iím creating whatever I want to create, and it will go the way I want it to go. And it will, and it does. Itís fascinating.
MALE: It will go the way I want it to go for me, too.
MARY: I would hope so! (Laughter) I think giving yourself permission to do it is a big one.
NORM: So you donít feel the hurt anymore, the jealousy? I mean, thatís just not part of it, because why should it bother...
MARY: Exactly. That isnít any part of it. I can see that those feelings were a genuine communication. I felt those things because there were messages inside of me screaming, ďI canít do what I want! I canít have what I want! I canít create what I want!Ē When we ignore that, when we create that kind of an association inside of ourselves, we DO get really sad and angry and unhappy because weíre going against our own self, and that creates that kind of a communication.
Another thing that this experience has initiated for me, which will probably be very obvious, is itís allowing me to actually create a real relationship with me, which is fascinating! It is more consuming than any kind of a relationship that I could have with any other person on the entire planet. I am discovering that there are lots of aspects of me that I just didnít even know were there!
Itís an interesting thing, creating a relationship with yourself, because you become aware of your own presence. I had an experience recently of standing in my own living room and being very aware of my own presence all around me. I have one finished painting and three new paintings that I started that are sitting around on the floor in my living room, and every time I walk into my living room lately, I have this overwhelming awareness of the presence of ME in that room. I can feel the presence of my energy in my paintings. Iíve had that experience in museums, and I may be standing in front of a Cezanne or a Picasso or a Van Gogh and I feel this tremendous presence of energy in the paint of some of these paintings because theyíre so powerful.
I can feel that in my own paintings, which is a bizarre kind of experience to be aware of, to feel your own presence in a room and know that itís all you there. Itís a fascinating thing. Itís like you just want to reach out in the air and say, ďHi, nice to meet ya, Mary! Iím so glad youíre here! Iím here too!Ē (Laughter)
Itís a fascinating, fascinating thing. I became aware of all kinds of things that I do. Iím listening to communications with myself that I didnít even know I had, that I didnít even know I do. Itís opening up a whole new world. Itís like I see myself in everything, and itís really an incredible experience. (Softly) I wish I could just give this to every person here!
SHARON: You kind of are! (Laughter)
MARY: I wish I could pull a piece off and just give it to you for a minute so you could experience this, Ďcause itís really cool!
Each one of us is faced with situations on almost a daily basis, whether itís a big thing or a little thing, weíre telling ourselves we canít do something for one reason or another. When you can be aware of that, you can also stop in that moment and realize, ďOh my god, I have a choice here. I CAN. I can choose to tell myself ĎI can,í and thereís nothing stopping me.Ē And thatís a HUGE deal. But remember, it takes practice! It does take a lot of practice. (Laughing)
MALE: And patience.
MARY: What does Elias say about patience? That itís not waiting. Itís allowance and doing. So what do you guys think?
MALE2: Sounds like youíve taken a big step in not being a victim.
MARY: HUGE! All of us go in that victim mode more than we think.
MALE2: The song from ďThe WizĒ says something like, ďOz never gave nothing to the Tin Man that he didnít already have,Ē or Mary or we all ... same thing. We all have it; itís the same process you use. Itís excellent.
MARY: We just donít know we have it.
RODNEY: Kind of like ďwhat ifs.Ē Iím sure you went through that.
MARY: Oh, yes.
RODNEY: And also, ďthatís a thought process, thatís not my awareness.Ē MY awareness says, ďMary really did that, this experience, and I could create that also.Ē But my thought process is saying, ďYes, but what if, what if?Ē What if your partner said, ďIím moving out. Iím going to PhiladelphiaĒ?
MARY: But she didnít.
RODNEY: Yes, thatís what Iím saying, but she didnít. So, I see myself groping with allowing...
MARY: But she DID in the beginning. When I was telling myself I couldnít have what I want, she WAS going in that direction.
RODNEY: Right, okay.
MARY: She was contemplating moving out of the house. She was seeing this other person much more. She was NOT responsive to me.
RODNEY: So you created this within the set of probabilities where this was an actual do-able reality. There was a probability...
MARY: No, I created the probability in the moment.
RODNEY: You created the probability.
MARY: Yes. I made a choice, and I actualized that choice. And the point is, there is no way...
RODNEY: (Laughing) And Iíll say the same thing to you that Iíd say to Elias: thatís a BIG one, Mary!
MARY: And there are no ďwhat ifs,Ē because it is happening. She is there, and she is responding, and she is going in the direction that I want her to go in. Which is also interesting, because MY direction is changing. As I continue to create this relationship with me, some of the things that I thought were really important to me are not that important anymore. Theyíre changing.
RON: You told me an interesting thing that she said to you recently, about you being the kind of person that she always wanted you to be.
MARY: Yes! That was an interesting thing, too. My partner and I have a lot of talks now and share a lot of things that we think about, a lot of feelings, a lot of things. I had asked her what her perception of things were. You know, Iím testing it out still! But I was confident enough in my creations that I was willing to go there, even if she was going to slam me with something completely different.
But she did say to me that in our relationship now Iím much more open with her, Iím much more up front with her, and I am much more the way that she has always wanted me to be, but I was holding back before. I was holding back because I was so concentrated in my attention on HER, I wasnít paying attention to me. As long as I kept concentrating on her, I was totally in this mode of paying attention to all of her behaviors and trying to adjust myself to her behaviors.
One of those behaviors is that when my partner gets really frustrated or angry the first place she goes is, ďIím leaving!Ē This became a huge threat that was always looming over my head. As long as I was concentrating on her, I was always trying to adjust myself around her so that she wouldnít leave.
I told her the threat wasnít there anymore; she already did it, she left. I said, ďBut youíre still here, so I donít have to worry about the threat anymore. I can just be what I am, and I can just express myself as who I am, and it doesnít matter. What are you going to do, leave? You already did that.Ē
LOU: Youíre not living in a state of fear.
MARY: Exactly! And Iím allowing myself to be me.
She told me she recognized that in me in some areas, that she could see that part of me in some things. She told me, ďI can see that in you with your business, with all of this stuff around these sessions. You make your own choices, and you go in a direction. You donít care. You donít allow other people to deny you what you want to do. You do that pretty strongly in that area. You do it with your art. You go in the direction that you want to go in. It doesnít matter what anybody else thinks or says.Ē She said, ďBut now you do it with me, and this is what Iíve always wanted you to be, and now you are.Ē
So, itís kind of a two-fold thing. Itís not only that Iím creating what I want, but by creating what I want and paying attention to myself, sheís also getting what she wants. Which is kind of weird, but itís working! (Laughter)
LOU: And eventually you may decide you may not want to be with her.
MARY: Thatís a possibility too! That is a possibility.
LOU: You may not want to be part of that.
MARY: We talked about it maybe a week and a half, two weeks ago, and she said, ďYou know, I was playing this game with myself at work, and I closed my eyes and tried to project myself into being 80 years old and where would I be? I saw myself being this little old lady, and you being a little old lady there with me (laughter), and still going around in circles and doing the same things that we do, with me bossing you around, and you telling me to shut up.Ē (Laughter) Then she said, ďThen I closed my eyes and I tried to see myself in the future with this other person, and I got nothing. It was just blank.Ē I told her that I have a very similar perception. Whatever direction it goes in, I kind of have a sense that we will always be connected. It doesnít necessarily mean that we may be partners, but we will always be connected.
CATHY: And the whole process that you went through, discovering you, how much do you attribute this whole experience that you created for yourself to being in the now?
MARY: Oh, I think thatís a HUGE element of it.
CATHY: Like pretty much all of it?
MARY: Itís in there in all of it. Because as soon as I get out of the now, itís real easy to go in directions of doubting what Iím doing. Itís real easy to open up all those familiar doors of questioning whether Iím actually doing this or not, and going back into that place of ďIím only creating half my reality. The other personís creating the other half,Ē ... and the ďwhat ifs.Ē The ďwhat ifsĒ can really kill you.
LOU: ďWhat ifsĒ of the past and the future! (Laughing)
MARY: Oh yeah, they can really grab you hard. Those are dangerous places to go. There is a lot of it that requires being present and in the now. Also, that is being in the now with ME.
Iíve had times when sheís left and gone over to this other personís house and spent the night over there, and I can easily go into being in the now, but NOT in me, but being in the now over there with her. What the heck! Whatís up with that? Then Iím not paying attention to what Iím choosing, and I forget, and I get myself into convoluted spaces. That doesnít genuinely have anything to do with me, because it isnít what Iím creating.
VICKI: So, you had an experience like that, and itís very affecting of how you view yourself and your reality, and it blows you away. Iíve had the same, or similar, experiences. Iíve even had experiences that I could translate very similarly to what youíre talking about here. One thing that you mentioned a little earlier was that this does apply to all elements, like your car. It applies to all elements of your reality.
Where I find difficulty sometimes Ė and I donít know about the rest of you, and I donít know if youíve thought about it in this now Ė is translating that experience. You have an experience, and you get in that experience that itís a matter of perception, and that if you do keep your attention on yourself and you really trust your ability to create what you want, you actually not only can, but you do.
VICKI: But even though Iíve had that experience, it doesnít necessarily translate to all other areas of your life.
MARY: No, it doesnít! I think thatís part of this whole business that we really donít believe that we do have this ability. Itís kind of like materializing the apple in your hand. I sit there and question and say, ďOh gee, did I do that?Ē Or, ďOh yeah, I did do that, but I canít do it again.Ē (Laughter)
VICKI: I think sometimes even when we accomplish in the manner that youíve been talking about here today, we might acknowledge ourselves in that moment for that accomplishment, but itís so easy to slip back into ďsomething else was involved.Ē
FEMALE: Even if you havenít been able to start your car for two years, and youíre thinking about this, and you say, ďWell, today Iím going to start my car,Ē and you go out and put the key in and it turns over, and the damn thing starts! And you go, ďWow!Ē
MARY: Yup! I know exactly what youíre saying. Thatís why I am coming to understand that it takes a tremendous amount of practice. It does take a LOT of attention in the moment, and itís really hard because itís something that is VERY easy to slip right back out of. I find myself doing it every day.
VICKI: Itís automatic.
MARY: It is automatic.
VICKI: As far as that, even if you get it in the moment, itís automatic to put it off to something else. You know, something else was involved, not just me and my perception.
MARY: Itís very easy to accomplish something and KNOW that youíre creating that in one direction and acknowledge yourself and hold in that in paying attention to yourself, and in another area youíre totally not there. That belief that we really donít have the ability to REALLY create every single piece of our own reality goes across the board: ďOkay, well maybe Iíll let myself know this over here, but I couldnít do it over there.Ē
I have had lots of experiences where creating something physical is pretty easy, and I trust that I can manifest something that I want in a physical sense. I want a car, I get a car. I want anything, a new phone, a new computer, and there it is. That kind of a thing, creating physical things, is kind of easy for me, and I allow myself to trust that I can DO that a lot of times Ė not all the time, but a lot of times.
Whereas in interaction with people, itís like, ďOh no, I canít do that, because those are people. They are creating there, and so Iím not.Ē And so I canít do what I want to do when it comes to people.
Somebody else may have no problem with their perception as far as other people go, and they get what they want all the time when it comes to other people. But heck if they can create a sandwich when they want it! They canít create something physical. Somebody else may not think that they can create a relationship with themselves, or whatever.
The doubt is probably straight across the board in everything that we create and everything that we encounter in all of our reality, and we just choose certain things to test out to see if we CAN actually do it or if we ARE actually doing it, but we donít even venture into that area in some things.
RODNEY: I think I would be really hesitating if I validated, or continued to validate, those places where I am successful. I could imagine myself being in a place where you did what you did, but then as time went on I would not ... see, youíre validating what you did and youíre stating it in front of a large group. That really anchors it in your experience.
RODNEY: I just had this experience of major anger over computer systems and all kinds of things, and since that time, Iíve opened up to acceptance to a lot of elements of my workplace. And quietly, almost without my noticing it happening, things are shifting. All right, the computer engineer came in and did some major things with my computer; certain problems have disappeared. I have a tendency not to validate myself for having created that because I...
MARY: Exactly, just like what Vicki said, because something outside did it.
RODNEY: Right, and if I were to really pay attention to whatís going on and to really validate, to take credit ... see, the thing happens. It happens, and some of the solutions are so trivial that, god, I could have done it myself. I donít take credit because the engineer came in...
MARY: Right, so you didnít do it.
RODNEY: ...and he did it, so I wind up not taking credit for it. If I were to catch myself doing that, I could say, ďWait a minute, thatís not an element over which I have no creativity. All right, I created that.Ē So to take credit for what is being created in my reality is that I HAVE created that, I chose to create that. It would further me, build my confidence.
MARY: It does, it reinforces you and it validates you. In doing a lot of that stuff, it also creates another movement in your perception to motivate you to challenge yourself to do it more.
This week Iím going to be spending some time with my oldest daughter. I am aware that for the last couple of days Iíve been very apprehensive about this and thinking, ďOh god, I donít really know if I want to do this or not, but Iím going to.Ē Iím also starting to remind myself now, ďWell, it will be fine because youíll create that to go the way you want it to go. Everything will be fine, and youíll have a lovely time, and there wonít be any outbursts, and there wonít be craziness because youíre not going to create that.Ē
LYNDA: Can I add something to this child story, really quick? This morning I woke up, and I ... speaking of car difficulties, Iíve had like Mach-10 Shift car difficulties in the last week, is what Iím calling them. I lost a car, three cars didnít work out, I just got a car but the transmission needs to be replaced, and itís fine. (Laughter)
I am really on another layer accepting, not personal responsibility ... of course responsibility, but not in a negative way. I am actually stepping a little bit to the right and observing Ė itís something you triggered in me Ė not WHY I created it, but WHAT am I creating, and what do I want? So the first thing I really wanted to do was calm down this morning. Literally, calm down! Because I visited here last night but I have really very little memory of it! Iím SO distracted!
So anyway, I woke up this morning, and I decided to call my dad who I have not talked to in eight months because I have kind of a difficult ... my whole life Iíve been in and out of creating a difficult situation with my dad. So this morning I woke up, and I said, ďWelp, I have to ask my dad for some money, and Iím going to call him up. I know his first wave of response is going to be INTENSE guilt, and Iím not going to let him do that, and Iím going to just call him up and say, ĎPop, Iím coming over. I need some money. I can pay you back, I just need up-front money right now, and itís not a problem.íĒ
I drove over there ... oh, first of all, I got a car to come here because my second goal was to get back here today, and the people living in the back house gave me the keys to their car. I created that last night on the way to bed! (Laughter) So, Iím at my dadís house, Iím really very nervous because, you know, nobody can get you like your dad, or your mom or your kid or whatever. My dad is like ... he should have been a rabbi. He should have never been a father. Heís like this sort of ... anyway, heís just my dad. So I walk in, Iím full-bore calm, but expecting my father to lecture me on ... Iím going to be fifty-two in February, and heís lecturing me. He doesnít care, Iím twelve! So I walk in, he goes, ďDarling!Ē and he hugs me. I go, ďDaddy!Ē and I hug him.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a baby picture of me Iíve never seen before, but I knew it was me. I asked where he got the pictures. Yesterday my aunt sent baby pictures sheíd found in her drawer of just me. There were like five baby pictures of me that Iíd never seen. Of course, this is so personal, what do you care? Why would you care about this? But for me, I had just had a conversation with Elias about being an infant and choking on formula, and my parents had to rush me to the hospital. Iíve heard this story my whole life. As Iím reading Seth and Elias these last few years, Iíve always wanted to especially ask Elias, was this a probable probability where I died? I just recently asked Elias why I did that, and he said, ďBecause you set a pattern for your entire life that you were going to be your own person.Ē So that really meant a lot to me, because it took it out of the realm of ... it was like ... (Laughter)
So I look at this little baby Ruther picture of this kid, six months old, with this look on her face like ďIím tough!Ē This little, not-that-cute-baby, but it was me. I grew up to be gorgeous, but trust me ... all this to say, I had this emotional Ė Iím emotionally focused, hello! Ė I had this really tender connection with my infant pictures and my pop, and it was a really cool flow, and here I am. The shadow of the past is always with us unless we choose to notice it and decide itís not going to be. Thatís what I decided to do on my way up here, and Iím here! With the money! (Laughter and applause)
So, Iím supporting what youíre saying, my friend, because Iím telling you, I woke up this morning and started with, ďwhat do I wantĒ not ďwhy am I doing this,Ē and ďwhat do other people think of me for being a flip-out?Ē No, no, no, no. What do I really want to do this morning? I really wanted to come back here and say good-bye to everybody Ė especially you, Paul/Ben. I just wanted to reconnect with people and say good-bye. I wanted to do that, so I did it.
MARY: I think itís really interesting that you started to ask yourself different questions. The automatic go-there is ďwhy am I doing this?Ē or ďwhy did I do this?Ē Thatís such an automatic question, yet you donít get an answer. Or you get an answer that you already know, and it doesnít give you any information. Youíre just stuck with it. Itís been a very powerful thing for me to start asking myself some different questions.
Itís like with the computer. You type in a website and it goes right to the website. If you type in a word and you push search, it brings up all kinds of other things for you to look at and explore. When you ask yourself different questions, you push your search button, because it is a different question and you have to look for a different answer. Itís not all automatic. We donít give ourselves very much information at all in automatic things.
VICKI: So, with what youíve experienced with this and what youíve been talking about today, have you consciously translated that or transferred that to another situation, like in the last month? Has something else come up, and you knew, ďOkay, now I have this information, Iíve had this experience, so maybe I can disengage the automatic response and move into this other area?Ē
MARY: Yes! But not on a big scale. I mean, Iím doing that kind of thing pretty much on a daily basis with little things. I am continuing to experiment with it and test it out. This is just like one big example thatís easy to see and easy to explain to people, and they can understand, too. Iím paying attention to the other little things while Iím doing them.
VICKI: I was just curious if youíd thought about it in those terms.
MARY: Yes, I have, which has been a very interesting thing. Iíve caught myself going into doubt mode about money, like we all do here and there! I donít do it real often, but every once in a while that may come up, and I caught myself going there. I noticed that as long as I was in that mode for a few days, I was not generating anything.
And this is not subjective stuff going on! This is all very objective: think about it, do it intentionally, remind yourself, and actually create movement. Itís not familiar, so itís not automatic, and itís not that easy, either. I have to keep reminding myself. I have to intentionally do it; but I can see the movement and how itís working.
I said to you, ďWhat the hell is up with this? Here I go again! Nothing! I havenít generated a session in over a week Ė whatís the matter with me?Ē You even told me, ďYup, and as soon as you say that youíre going to get flooded.Ē I got off the phone with you, and sure as shit! (Laughter) As soon as I realized that that was what I was doing, and decided nope, this is not what Iím going to do, Iím going in this direction and Iím going to create this, within the next two days I did get flooded. I did.
Itís all about my perception and what Iím choosing, or what Iím telling myself I canít choose, and what I donít choose. When I go into doubting myself or putting my attention out there on something else, on a thing, on a situation, on a circumstance, on another person, anything ... it doesnít matter what it is. I mean, you can be anticipating something coming up in the future.
I could be holding my attention on my medical insurance bill instead of on what Iím doing. Come to find out, I just ran myself in circles with that, and they donít even need it yet! I ran myself right into a corkscrew in the ground on that one, just thinking, ďOh god, oh god, oh god! Theyíre going to cut my insurance off, and Iím going to have these medical bills and surgery and whatever!Ē I made myself insane with it all. Why? Because Iím telling myself I canít create what I want to create and what I perceive that I need Ė and I donít even need it! (Laughing) Every time I go to the doctor, this horrendous condition that I started out with seems to get LESS horrendous and LESS serious and further away from surgery and hospitals. So whatever!
LYNDA: Yeah team! Thatís the idea, baby! (Applause and hooting) Itís not that anybody needs to lend you energy, because you do create ONLY your reality, but Iím helping! (Laughter)
MARY: Itís really powerful stuff!
MALE: Mary, do you think you would have made that quantum leap if that event wouldnít have happened? I mean, you were ready for it, obviously. But itís almost like the universe did that, or at least created that event so that...
MARY: I donít think the universe created that. I think I created that.
MALE: Well, I mean it was created because you were ready for it, because you needed that growth.
MARY: Interestingly enough, Iím also aware now that this is part of how I operate, and that I did create this whole scenario. Because every time I go away, every time I go on one of these trips to another state or another country, some crisis happens at home, and each time the new crisis or the new event is bigger than the last one. The last one was pretty big, so I couldnít imagine what would be able to top that, but an affair is a big topper! That would really be a BIG topper! That did top the one before. I was pretty amazed: ďWow! Thatís like so amazing man! I can just get this going bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger!Ē
I donít think any of that was an accident, now that I look at it in hindsight. This has been a steady-on movement, going in my little direction, moving me into this position, and this position is moving me into other positions. It is really like what Elias says: it isnít getting to a goal. It really is all about the process.
MALE: Well, what did Clinton say yesterday, something like life isnít a destination, itís a process Ė something on that order. Thatís what it is! I find myself focused on very similar things, and Iím coming to the same conclusion that youíve come to but in a slower way Ė not quite as dramatic!
MARY: Well, I would be doing that drama thing, wouldnít I? (Laughter) Thatís another part of me that Iíve introduced myself to, because in my perception I donít create drama! Hello! (Laughter) Iíve introduced myself to THAT Mary: ďOh yes, you do. You do it really good! You do the drama thing really big and really good, and thatís just what you do, and itís okay!Ē
Those are other things that go along with developing a relationship with yourself, finding out all those things about your own self, that you really do those things. Everybody around you tells you that you do these things, and youíre saying, ďI do not! What are you talking about?Ē But then you introduce yourself to yourself and say, ďThatís okay. That IS what I do, and itís okay. Just because somebody else does it different doesnít mean the way I do it is not okay. It works. It gets my attention. Iím not that other person, and maybe if I do it this way I will be paying attention to myself.Ē And I am.
Thereís a lot of negative connotations or associations with a many things, like drama: ďOh no, bad, bad, bad!Ē or complicating things: ďOh, bad, bad, bad!Ē Some people DO complicate things. It excites them. Thatís how they figure things out. Itís not necessarily bad, bad, bad, you know?
MALE: The rest of your life will be so much better because of attitude and perception.
MARY: Well, believe me, itís not a goal. I have not reached the finish line. This is something that I am aware of every day because itís a process.
NORM: So where do you think it will lead? I mean, do you feel that you can have an emotional love for yourself as much as you can for a partner?
MARY: You know, I DO! I am really discovering that, and itís fascinating. It really is.
NORM: I mean, you idealize your love with your partner, and now can you do that with yourself?
MARY: I believe that you really can. I canít even describe to you what an overwhelming feeling it is to me to stand in front of my paintings and feel my presence in them, and know that my presence is there in the room. Itís like, ďGod, I love this! I love you SO MUCH!Ē (Laughter) ďYou are just such a bitching person! I love you!Ē
NORM: Hug yourself! Wrap your arms around you!
MARY: And I mean it in the same way that I mean it when I say it to my partner, or hug her or something. I genuinely feel that towards her. But genuinely Iím starting to feel that towards me, and itís so cool! It is so great to feel that way and to be able to express that. Itís wonderful.
Of course, there other times where Iím like, ďYouíre such a stupid! Whatís your problem Ė youíre so stupid!Ē
NORM: And youíre going to find that your acceptance of yourself, the love of yourself, is going to change and allow you to accept your belief systems, too, right?
MARY: I believe so.
NORM: Because external events arenít nearly as important anymore.
MARY: Youíre right. They are losing their bite.
NORM: Itís an experience, but ďitís not going to bother me.Ē
MARY: A lot of things are really losing their bite. Itís a fascinating ride.
MALE: Elias is staying out of it, right?
MARY: This is not about Elias at all. This is about Mary! (Laughter)
MALE: Heís not making any comments, in other words.
MARY: What is he gonna comment on? Iím sure not asking him about it! (Laughter) I donít care about his comments! Iím too busy paying attention to what Iím doing, and having a blast doing it!
MARY: It really is, and itís great. Itís so much fun.
RODNEY: Something else, youíre standing in front of your paintings, feeling the presence of your energy in there ... Iíve just spent the last week or two destroying some really powerful shrines. I personally ripped up 23 years of dream journals. I trashed them, and I trashed a few objects. It just came to me when you were describing going into your living room, and so I projected myself into my living room, and there is me there. I can see that, especially now that I spent the last two weeks cleaning it up and beautifying it, making it mine.
But these shrines are like the polar opposite of something that youíve created. You stand in front of your painting, and you see you there, and it fills you with a sense of yourself. Whereas, there are shrines in my place that when I look at them, they have a tendency to do the opposite. They take me to a place outside of myself, which creates the opposite effect. That kind of illuminates the idea of shrines a little bit more for me, and motivates me to part with them. (Laughing)
MARY: Well, thatís cool. (Laughs) Itís amazing what you become aware of inside of yourself when you start looking. For most people the scariest part is just to even start. Theyíre so afraid theyíre going to see something dark and ugly in there, or very unacceptable.
For me it didnít turn out that way at all. It didnít turn out to be awful and ďwhy am I doing this?Ē It turned out to be a real opportunity to give myself permission to make choices, and that was a really liberating thing. It wasnít massive judgment on myself, like ďyouíre really screwed up, youíre letting other people make choices for you, this is really bad, bad, bad, Mary!Ē I didnít go there. As soon as I realized I had choices, that meant that I COULD do other things!
Now I get to allow myself to do other things instead of continuing to tell myself that I canít. I didnít even know that I was telling myself ďI canítĒ until I started asking myself some different questions. Itís pretty cool. I hope all of you do this! (Laughs)
PAUL T: Mary, I want to take this opportunity to thank you personally for coming here and sharing yourself and your experiences with us, because it definitely means a lot to me to know you.
MARY: Thank you.
PAUL T: And itís meant very much to me to be part of this whole weekend, meeting all of you people (applause and cheering), and Mary has let me understand that I did create this. What a wonderful thing! Itís been a lot of fun, and thank you all.
GROUP: Thank YOU! (Applause)
© 2001 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.