the Elias forum: Explore the transcript archive.










Friday, August 12, 2005

<  Session 1820 (Private/Phone)  >

ďCompromising Ė and How to StopĒ

Participants: Mary (Michael) and Liana (Ponset).

(Eliasí arrival time is 16 seconds.)

ELIAS: Good morning!

LIANA: Good morning, Elias.

ELIAS: And what shall we discuss?

LIANA: I have a lot of topics, but I would like to know the most important issue that Iím facing right now.

ELIAS: Which is? (Pause) What is your assessment?

LIANA: I would say making decisions.

ELIAS: Decisions in what capacity?

LIANA: Well, I have a lot of decisions to make, and yet I have some doubt because of decisions that Iíve made in the past that have worked out to be painful and disappointing. Therefore, in the present I donít trust my decisions.

ELIAS: Be more specific.

LIANA: For example, with my work, I donít know if thereís issues I need to stay and work through, if I need to work at a different hospital, or if I need to work in a different type of job altogether. That would be one example. My relationship, I donít know if this is a person I should work through issues with or move to another person. I donít know if I should live in Colorado or move to another state. These kinds of things.

ELIAS: Very well. With each of these situations, express to myself what it is that you are questioning that you perhaps should work through, in your terms.

LIANA: As you have said, sometimes experiences are of value but are not pleasant. So, a consideration for me is perhaps Iím gathering knowledge and itís just not pleasant knowledge. For example, at my work, I donít feel very at home there, I feel very attacked, and I feel very not at rest, so forth and so on. Iím not sure if I need to work through my feelings of discomfort and (inaudible), then I have no job and no hours. Maybe thatís a clue? That would be one situation.

ELIAS: Very well. Let us examine this situation first. What is significant is for you to pay attention to what you are doing and what you are reflecting to yourself, and evaluate the imagery that you are presenting to yourself. In this scenario, you are expressing that you are uncomfortable in the environment of your employment. What generates the discomfort?

LIANA: Several things. Being Milumet aligned, Iím not comfortable with the lack of the big picture. Iím not comfortable with the backbiting among the staff, even though I get sucked into it. Iím not comfortable with feeling that I get sort of cut out and have no work. I just donít feel very bonded to the people that I work with. I like talking to the kids, that partís okay.

ELIAS: Very well. In the action of evaluating what you are presenting to yourself, it is important to pay attention, as I have expressed, to what you are actually doing. In this, you offer yourself information which quells the doubt and the back and forth, for...

LIANA: What was the last part there?

ELIAS: Quells the back and forth. For what you are doing, rather then actually evaluating, is you are bouncing back and forth: should I continue, should I not? That does not actually offer you any information. It merely perpetuates confusion, and it generates more questioning.

This is an action that individuals are generally quite familiar with, for you incorporate an automatic action of attempting to generate a surface evaluation, which is influenced by psychological beliefs Ė but that is not actually quite efficient. What offers you more information is to generate the evaluation of what you yourself are actually doing, what you have been doing, what is your participation in what you are creating and what your communications are to yourself.

Now; you are expressing that you generate discomfort with the other individuals that you interact with in your employment, and you are expressing to myself that you are creating a situation in which you are incorporating less and less time in which you are actually participating in that environment. That is a significant clue. For it is not that the other individuals are pushing you out; you are creating that scenario, which is an important clue.

If you are creating the scenario in which you are incorporating less and less time in your employment and interacting with these other individuals, you are doing that yourself for a reason. In that, you are offering yourself information. You are merely confusing yourself with attempting to analyze rather than evaluate.

In this, your discomfort has motivated you to remove yourself from the environment. I am understanding that it is quite automatic and easy to express blame with other individuals, that they are generating this action, but the point is is that YOU are actually creating this situation, and therefore, it is significant that you pay attention to what you have created.

In this also, listen to your communications Ė listening to your emotional communications, listening to your PHYSICAL communications also in recognition of your own tension, your own physical discomfort, and your emotional communications, which also are generating uncomfortable signals. You are expressing information to yourself in association with your preferences and what is NOT your preference.

LIANA: I didnít know if I should be standing up for myself there, and thatís why I protested the way the hiring procedure was going. Although I knew that it would also alienate me from the people, I felt like so often I just go along and I knew I didnít want to do that.

ELIAS: I am understanding. Let me express to you, my friend, what is familiar and automatic with you is to be denying yourself and acquiescing or compromising with other individuals to a point, and subsequently reacting to your own denial and thusly generating opposition.

You are misunderstanding assertiveness, and in that expression of what you think is assertive, you are actually opposing, for you have held to your own energy tightly. And remember, energy will be expressed. As you hold to your energy tightly, in denying your own expression and acquiescing or compromising, that creates a pressure of energy, and as that pressure builds, its familiar automatic method of release and expressing is to move into the opposition that you label as being assertive; but in actuality, it is born out of defensiveness, and defense is opposing.

LIANA: What could I have done differently?

ELIAS: It is not a matter of what you could have done differently, it is a matter of recognizing your automatic responses and paying attention to what you are doing and generating an evaluation of what your preferences are and what they are not, and allowing yourself to move in the direction of your preferences.

We have discussed this previously, and in this, you generate an automatic direction with yourself in attempting to psychologically analyze yourself or situations, which in certain situations may be somewhat beneficial. But what becomes a snare for you or a trap for you is the attempt in analyzing whether you should be working through some issue. That is what creates the trap, for it is not a matter of working through some issue. I am understanding that there may be issues that have been created from generating automatic responses for an extended time framework and becoming very familiar with that and perhaps not quite understanding how to interrupt these patterns, but...

LIANA: Why do I do this then? I do it over and over and over again in my work environment.

ELIAS: Yes. For...

LIANA: Over and over and over and over, and I just have no other ideas of how to support myself financially.

ELIAS: I am understanding, and this is the reason that we are incorporating this discussion. For the point in this is for you to become aware of your automatic responses that are very familiar and strong, and one of your most frequently expressed automatic responses is compromise.

You generate an association within yourself that compromise shall generate an avenue in which you can accomplish what you want. But it does not, and therefore, you are continuously frustrated or disappointed. For, compromise does not create what you want. It devalues you, and it devalues the other individual. Therefore, it creates an atmosphere and a reality of discounting. Therefore, the point is to interrupt these automatic responses and patterns that are very familiar to you and to continue to interrupt them to the point in which you can begin to express more of your own power and strength.

You very frequently are discounting of yourself, and that is what motivates this action of compromise. You do not express a measure of value of yourself enough to allow you to express yourself freely without expressing some element of compromise. In a manner of speaking...

LIANA: I devalue myself?

ELIAS: Correct. In a manner of speaking, it is a situation in which if you are interacting with another individual, you do not value yourself to the point in which you can allow yourself to freely express yourself if you are not giving some element to the other individual. There is almost always some association within you that, in your terms, you must give up some element of you in order to express yourself, which is not true, and as you are aware, as you have experienced, it does not accomplish what you want. It merely generates disappointment and frustration, which also trigger confusion, and that holds you in this trap of not expressing yourself and subsequently opposing.

You are opposing yourself and you are opposing whatever you interact with, unless you present an interaction to yourself that you generate no association of threat. This is the reason that you interact effectively and efficiently with children. The reason is that you do not view children as your peer. Therefore, they do not pose to you a threat. Therefore, it is unnecessary for you to compromise in your interaction with children, and you thusly can allow yourself to express yourself freely and not deny yourself.

This is significant for you to view. For in viewing other individuals, you do associate that they are your peers, and if they are your peers, they also incorporate some element of authority, some capacity of authority regardless of who the individual is, for this is how you associate with yourself. Therefore, you associate with other individuals as your peers in the same manner. That is what motivates this action of compromising.

LIANA: (Inaudible)

ELIAS: You do, in some capacity. You view yourself as capable and knowledgeable and in a position of some element of authority. You are the authority in relation to children. This is the reason that they are not considered in your perception to be peers, and therefore, they incorporate no threat.

LIANA: In a concrete form in the situation of my employment, I donít understand how to interrupt the cycle. I feel that...

ELIAS: First of all, let me express to you, it is a matter of evaluating what you want, which you may or may not want to continue in this particular employment. It is a matter of evaluating whether you actually want to be interacting in this particular environment, in this...

LIANA: I donít like changing jobs; thatís one big thing. I also donít know of any job thatís close to me where I could work in a similar field. Thatís another motivation. But those are all negative motivations.

ELIAS: Correct, and that is not answering the question of what you want.

LIANA: I prefer to work in another field altogether.

ELIAS: But you prevent yourself from generating that, for the action of changing employment poses another threat, and therefore, once again, you compromise. This the core issue, that whatever you perceive to be a threat, in any form, that generates your automatic response to compromise.

LIANA: So in concrete terms, what would be my next step? I know you wonít do it for me; however, I feel like I confuse myself so much, a little help would be great.

ELIAS: I am understanding. Your first step is to incorporate an exercise in which you note each time you are generating compromise throughout your day, to generate more of an awareness of what you are actually doing and how frequently you do it.

Your next step is to be genuinely expressing to yourself what you actually want. In that, pay attention when you begin expressing once again that action of compromise, for even the evaluation of what you want may be quite challenging, for you are continuing to express this compromise and have not yet become efficient at interrupting that. Therefore, I may express to you, it shall occur in which you shall express to yourself perhaps, hypothetically, ďI actually want to be generating a different type of employment and creating a new adventure, but...Ē When you express that ďbut,Ē that is the beginning of your expression of compromise. Notice that. Notice that in ALL of your directions, for this core issue is expressed in all of your directions, not merely in association with your employment.

Now; I may also express to you, it may be beneficial to you Ė although I shall express, as always, this is your choice Ė to investigate and explore other directions in association with employment, and in that exploration, allow yourself to genuinely pay attention to your energy with whatever you present to yourself.

Allow yourself to pay attention to how you feel as you investigate the other individuals in a different establishment and also the physical location itself and the structures themselves Ė not merely the individuals, but the actual environment. Allow yourself to feel the energy of the environment and your energy, that you may evaluate whether you resonate with that energy and whether you are experiencing an ease in that energy, which will be reinforcing to you to not be compromising.

Let me express to you, my friend, at times individuals may express certain patterns for such an extended time framework and they are so very automatic that it becomes challenging for them to interrupt those patterns and those automatic responses. In that, the individual may be more successful if they are incorporating more dramatic alterations in their environment and in what they are doing.

At times, as an example, an individual may generate certain patterns in compromise or acquiescing to another individual in relationship, and in that situation, if that automatic response and that pattern is expressed strongly, it may be more efficient for the individual to remove themself from the situation of the relationship to begin to interrupt these patterns Ė which is very similar to the atmosphere of employment, also.

It is not that you cannot accomplish in continuing to be in the environment that you are Ė you can Ė but it may be much more difficult, and it may incorporate much more time.

LIANA: Now I worry, of course, about being able to financially pay my bills with this big change. Do you have any comments on that? I know that supposedly we always get the money we need and all that.

ELIAS: I am understanding what you are expressing, and I am understanding your fear. In this, do not incorporate the information that I am expressing to you now as black and white. Do not overwhelm yourself. Incorporate your time efficiently. Pay attention to YOU. Do not distract yourself with other individuals, and I...

LIANA: I donít like hospital buildings, Iím really tired of medical jobs, being a nurse, and what Iím thinking of is looking outside the field of nursing.

ELIAS: Yes, which I may express to you is your choice, and that may be an avenue in which you may explore and create a new adventure. But what I am expressing to you is not to overwhelm yourself. Incorporate your time efficiently. You have expressed to myself that you are creating less and less time in the actual environment of your employment now, correct?

LIANA: Correct.

ELIAS: In the time that you are NOT interacting with your employment, incorporate that time efficiently to be generating an exploration and an investigation of new avenues that are more in keeping with your preferences.

LIANA: Iíve been working to be more aware of the subtle clues Iíve been presenting myself. For example, I called my old lawyer to ask about doing research for her. Would that be an example?

ELIAS: Yes. Pay attention to your impressions and your impulses.

LIANA: I want to talk about my relationship. I do feel like itís actually come a long way since the first time we talked about it, and I would like to know what you see.

ELIAS: What I view with you in this situation, I am acknowledging of you in some of your movement, but I may also express to you what you express in this relationship is quite similar to what you express in your employment.

LIANA: In other words, Iím always compromising.


LIANA: But the relationship couldnít tolerate it if I didnít compromise.

ELIAS: That is not necessarily true, but that is your perception.

LIANA: What Iíve noticed is that the less I compromise, the more intimate we become.


LIANA: I know that heís a different orientation than me, and I admit that lately Iíve wondered if Iím fooling myself to believe that we could have a truly intimate relationship. We have talked about this being almost impossible to achieve. Am I camouflaging myself, am I deluding myself?

ELIAS: I am not expressing to you that it is impossible. I have expressed to you that if you continue to be generating this consistency in compromising and acquiescing and if you continue to express the expectations that you have previously, it is quite unlikely that you would allow yourself to generate a genuine intimacy.

But if you are addressing to this action of compromising and if you begin to allow yourself to express yourself more freely and are not generating expectations of yourself or of the other individual, you may create what you want in that intimacy, and it matters not that you incorporate different orientations.

LIANA: When you say that we may create it...

ELIAS: I express to you in moments now...

LIANA: We do in moments create intimacy?

ELIAS: Now. But what you want is to be creating that consistently, correct?

LIANA: Well, I want a partnership

ELIAS: Correct.

LIANA: Is that a possibility? Not like a vague one, but a real, achievable one. Not like one in a million or something.

ELIAS: Yes, it is achievable, but that is dependent upon you and whether you actually allow yourself your own freedom.

LIANA: I admit I feel a little intimidated by his not wanting me to go out with other men, and I do feel constrained by that. So what youíre saying is I need not to compromise my desire to do that?

ELIAS: I am expressing to you, yes, you are creating what you do not want by compromising. It...

LIANA: Like with our sex life, I feel I have to compromise because, for example, he will not orgasm with me, and thereís nothing I can do about that. I feel Iím forced to compromise, and it bothers me.

ELIAS: Let me express to you, my friend, I have expressed that it is possible to create an intimate relationship with this individual. I may also express to you that in discovering your own freedom, discovering your own voice, in not expressing compromise and not acquiescing, you may also discover that what you previously perceived as your preferences were also merely another expression of compromise. You may discover that you may not necessarily want this relationship with this individual.

LIANA: Thatís kind of what I was thinking might happen.

ELIAS: It is a potential.

LIANA: I dread the whole idea of getting to know another person and going through all of that. Itís just so unpleasant to me.

ELIAS: But many of these actions that you view as unpleasant, my friend, are more unpleasant for this element of compromise is always present.

LIANA: I think I understand, yet I think that what youíre telling me is that Iím never gonna... For example, I feel that in this relationship, itís his choice not to want to orgasm with me, so I regard that as an area of compromise that canít be changed. Are you saying that Iím going to discover that I donít want him to orgasm with me, or I donít want a relationship with him, or I donít want to be with a man? Iím not clear.

ELIAS: I am not expressing to you any of these expressions as an absolute. I am expressing to you that YOU ARE CREATING ALL OF YOUR REALITY. Therefore, YOU are not creating the intimacy and you are generating these choices, but you perceive yourself as compromised, and in a sense, as a victim of other individualsí choices, and you are not.

LIANA: So if Iím the one generating this situation, then I could want him to be close enough to me to feel safe enough to orgasm with me.

ELIAS: It is not a matter of that black and white. It may be, but it also may be that it is not necessarily a question that you want or do not want a certain expression, for it has been clouded with this automatic response. The subject becomes the compromise, no other action. The subject is no longer whether you want or do not want a particular type of intimacy. The subject is no longer whether you want or you do not want the other individual to orgasm in a particular manner. The subject has become the compromise, which overshadows all other subjects.

LIANA: So I feel like Iíve done better with only participating sexually in ways that I want to and when I want to. Would you agree?


LIANA: So when it comes down to certain things, like the last time it happened, I felt a little hurt but I also felt like I understood that he wasnít really ready for that. Now is that a compromise, or what was going on at that time?

ELIAS: What prompted your feeling of hurt?

LIANA: I guess I felt that I wasnít good enough.

ELIAS: Which is the aspect that motivates you and prompts you to compromise. This is what I expressed to you previously: in your not valuing yourself, that triggers this issue of compromise.

LIANA: So that moment when I felt hurt, then what were my choices?

ELIAS: To recognize what generated that feeling of hurt, knowing that the other individual did not create that, you did, and in that moment, allow yourself a gentleness with yourself and some expression of appreciation.

LIANA: Did I do any of that?

ELIAS: Did you?

LIANA: I recognized that it was my hurt and my responsibility, did I not?


LIANA: In that moment, there was not a compromise, correct?

ELIAS: Not entirely. You did acknowledge that you created the feeling of hurt in discounting yourself and not valuing yourself, but as I have expressed, the compromise is almost ever-present.

LIANA: I believe you. As far as my health goes, Iíve noticed Iíve had some symptoms like my palms itching and stuff. I want to make sure Ė is my liver being affected?

ELIAS: Presently, no.

LIANA: (Inaudible)


LIANA: I feel like that is because youíve been assisting me.


LIANA: Thanks.

ELIAS: You are very welcome, my friend. Now, what is your exercise?

LIANA: The one with the bird?

ELIAS: No. What is your exercise that I expressed to you in this conversation?

LIANA: That I do not compromise and that I use my time wisely and go look for different types of employment, how I feel about it, how I feel about the people.

ELIAS: Those are the suggestions that I have offered to you as to actions that you can incorporate, but the exercise that I expressed to you to be incorporating is to be noting each time you compromise within each day. Generate that exercise for one week. Each day, note each time you are generating a compromise in any capacity.

LIANA: (Inaudible)

ELIAS: In ANY capacity.

LIANA: And at the end of one week...?

ELIAS: Subsequent to that week of noting how often you generate compromise within each day, change the exercise and incorporate the action of generating some expression of appreciation each time you experience yourself BEGINNING to compromise. I daresay, in that time framework, you shall be generating considerable appreciation of yourself!

LIANA: Thank you very much.

ELIAS: (Laughs) You are very welcome, my friend. I express to you great affection as always, and tremendous encouragement. You CAN succeed.

LIANA: I appreciate all your help and your little signals. They really do help me a lot.

ELIAS: (Laughs) And I acknowledge your awareness of my butterfly.

LIANA: Yay! I knew it was you. It was you in the thunderstorm, too.

ELIAS: Yes. (Laughs)

LIANA: I love it, keep it coming. It helps me a lot.

ELIAS: Very well, I am always available to you and my energy is with you always. To you in great friendship, appreciation and lovingness, au revoir.

LIANA: Thank you.

Elias departs after 59 minutes.

< Previous session | Go to the top | Next session >

© 2005 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved.